he lifted me up
and then he threw me down
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Monday, April 25, 2005
Hello.
Its me again.
I should be asleep now, but I can't
I ate fedac, hoping that it'd work its wonders on me again tonite, but so far, i'm still wide awake.
Someone told me before it's all in the mind.
Never wanted to agree with him cos well..i just like to disagree with whatever he say.. but i guess he's right. He's always right about almost everything and i'm the one with the degree...Bah! Useless.
My state of mind. No good.
Its the worst ever in 24 years and errmm..10 months.
I'm going around with this empty feeling in my stomach and extra heavy heart.
Never know it can actually really feel empty in the stomach and really heavy in the heart.
Now i know..
Pain.
I keep thinking about pain.
Somehow its indescribable. The pain.
And I wish and wish it's sumthing more physical.
Really wish that i can hurt myself physically so as to channel all my the pain from the heart to the bodily pain. Understand?
I'd rather fall off the stairs like i did last year.. it hurt like hell u noe..the whole flight of stairs..
I'd rather fall off ten more flights of stairs.
Or step on more pieces of glass..like did also last year.
U get my drift.
I'd rather have the physical pain.
This pain, i can't endure any longer.
I'going crazy.
Nothing else seems to matter anymore.
Monday tomorrow. Have nothing after school. So?
Next weekend will be a long weekend. So?
I bought a new pair of shoe and a nice piece of top. So?
So ?
So?
So?
Nothing matters anymore.
I'll be wearing a blouse that i've bought a long time ago but will only wear it tomoro. So?
I have a new piece of gossip. So?
I have found the Ayu Azhari nude pics. So?
Everything is so unnecessary now.
Who do i share all these with?
No one.
Its me now. On my own. And i forget how to be on my own.
I remembered this story.
About this monkey in Buru.
What do u call baby monkeys?
I dunno.
Anyway, this monkey was brought up by my family n Buru since it was a newborn.
It was bottle-fed and all.
When it was abt a few years old, it left in search of his natural habitat and maybe friends of its own kind.
But, sadly, within a few days, it died.
It died of hunger cos it didint know how to look for food.
Its own kind attacked him cos...i dunno ..
Anyway. It died. Couldnt survive being on its own.
Dunno why i suddenly thought of the monkey.
But poor monkey.
It had a name. Should ask my mum tomoro.
I am rambling,arent i?
heheh.. Ok, I'll stop now.
I'm not looking forward to tomorrow.
Nothing to look forward to anyway.
Like someone once told me when he was in Ns..just go through the motion.
Just go through the motion..
Its me again.
I should be asleep now, but I can't
I ate fedac, hoping that it'd work its wonders on me again tonite, but so far, i'm still wide awake.
Someone told me before it's all in the mind.
Never wanted to agree with him cos well..i just like to disagree with whatever he say.. but i guess he's right. He's always right about almost everything and i'm the one with the degree...Bah! Useless.
My state of mind. No good.
Its the worst ever in 24 years and errmm..10 months.
I'm going around with this empty feeling in my stomach and extra heavy heart.
Never know it can actually really feel empty in the stomach and really heavy in the heart.
Now i know..
Pain.
I keep thinking about pain.
Somehow its indescribable. The pain.
And I wish and wish it's sumthing more physical.
Really wish that i can hurt myself physically so as to channel all my the pain from the heart to the bodily pain. Understand?
I'd rather fall off the stairs like i did last year.. it hurt like hell u noe..the whole flight of stairs..
I'd rather fall off ten more flights of stairs.
Or step on more pieces of glass..like did also last year.
U get my drift.
I'd rather have the physical pain.
This pain, i can't endure any longer.
I'going crazy.
Nothing else seems to matter anymore.
Monday tomorrow. Have nothing after school. So?
Next weekend will be a long weekend. So?
I bought a new pair of shoe and a nice piece of top. So?
So ?
So?
So?
Nothing matters anymore.
I'll be wearing a blouse that i've bought a long time ago but will only wear it tomoro. So?
I have a new piece of gossip. So?
I have found the Ayu Azhari nude pics. So?
Everything is so unnecessary now.
Who do i share all these with?
No one.
Its me now. On my own. And i forget how to be on my own.
I remembered this story.
About this monkey in Buru.
What do u call baby monkeys?
I dunno.
Anyway, this monkey was brought up by my family n Buru since it was a newborn.
It was bottle-fed and all.
When it was abt a few years old, it left in search of his natural habitat and maybe friends of its own kind.
But, sadly, within a few days, it died.
It died of hunger cos it didint know how to look for food.
Its own kind attacked him cos...i dunno ..
Anyway. It died. Couldnt survive being on its own.
Dunno why i suddenly thought of the monkey.
But poor monkey.
It had a name. Should ask my mum tomoro.
I am rambling,arent i?
heheh.. Ok, I'll stop now.
I'm not looking forward to tomorrow.
Nothing to look forward to anyway.
Like someone once told me when he was in Ns..just go through the motion.
Just go through the motion..
A Fool Like Me
by Craig Harrell
Why does it hurt so bad to lose something I never had
To have these feelings and nothing to do
just sit around and wait for you
Why is it so hard to move onknowing what we had is gone
Is there a place where happiness is
Even though there's still a fizz
In my soul when you are around
your name is a beautiful sound
Now all I can do is wonder
I lost it all in one little blunder
By not telling you how I really feel
trying to act like its no big deal
Now I know the nature of my errors
I just wish I could get rid of my cares
Yet I can't now my heart won't let me
get rid of a person who fills me with glee
Just by hearing his sweet name
Knowing my feelings are still the same
I must move on to a new life
Leaving behind my feelings and the strife
I am only human and I am weak
But for you there was a beautiful streak
I would do anything to repent the day
When you hung on my words waiting to say
What I really wanted from you
I chose the wrong words for an excuse
Now I am on a new track
I know now I can't have you back
No matter what I do or how I try
I have lost the apple of my eye
by Craig Harrell
Why does it hurt so bad to lose something I never had
To have these feelings and nothing to do
just sit around and wait for you
Why is it so hard to move onknowing what we had is gone
Is there a place where happiness is
Even though there's still a fizz
In my soul when you are around
your name is a beautiful sound
Now all I can do is wonder
I lost it all in one little blunder
By not telling you how I really feel
trying to act like its no big deal
Now I know the nature of my errors
I just wish I could get rid of my cares
Yet I can't now my heart won't let me
get rid of a person who fills me with glee
Just by hearing his sweet name
Knowing my feelings are still the same
I must move on to a new life
Leaving behind my feelings and the strife
I am only human and I am weak
But for you there was a beautiful streak
I would do anything to repent the day
When you hung on my words waiting to say
What I really wanted from you
I chose the wrong words for an excuse
Now I am on a new track
I know now I can't have you back
No matter what I do or how I try
I have lost the apple of my eye
Now That It's Gone
by Christine Hogan
I never would have thought that there'd be a you and me.
It wasn't plausible.
It wasn't possible.
But out of the star-crossed sky fell an opportunity.
It was great. It was special. It was magic.
It made my life such a blissful state of euphoria.
My eyes sparkled. My soul danced. My heart rejoiced.
And now that it's gone
I wish there was something in its place.
I want a new dream. I want a new heart. I want a new chance.
But mostly, I'm receiving only loss.
I remember the happy times and think there'll be no more.
I remember little thoughts of you and sigh 'cause you're gone.
I remember my contented heart and sigh because now it's broken.
And now that you're gone,
I can't help but miss you.
For every where you used to smile an empty memory looms of your soulful eyes
your shy smile
and your beautiful face.
by Christine Hogan
I never would have thought that there'd be a you and me.
It wasn't plausible.
It wasn't possible.
But out of the star-crossed sky fell an opportunity.
It was great. It was special. It was magic.
It made my life such a blissful state of euphoria.
My eyes sparkled. My soul danced. My heart rejoiced.
And now that it's gone
I wish there was something in its place.
I want a new dream. I want a new heart. I want a new chance.
But mostly, I'm receiving only loss.
I remember the happy times and think there'll be no more.
I remember little thoughts of you and sigh 'cause you're gone.
I remember my contented heart and sigh because now it's broken.
And now that you're gone,
I can't help but miss you.
For every where you used to smile an empty memory looms of your soulful eyes
your shy smile
and your beautiful face.
The reality has finally sets in.. That I've lost him.
Ok..Ok..I've known that for a few days now, but today, it kind of hits me on the head. Totally.
He will never love me the way he did before.
And i can't even blame him.
I yearn to see him.
See him smile at me.
Touch him.
Smell him like i always do.
Hug him.
Hear him laugh the evil laugh that always irritates me.
Hear him call out my name lovingly.
But he won't. Ever.
I've never prayed half as hard as the past 2 days.
I prayed that he will open his heart for me.
The feeling is worse now than the time that I wanted him but he wanted Malah.
I hated that period of time.
Feeling so inferior to Malah.
Wanting to be the one that he want not her.
I got him. But then again, I've lost him.
I've lost him.
Ok..Ok..I've known that for a few days now, but today, it kind of hits me on the head. Totally.
He will never love me the way he did before.
And i can't even blame him.
I yearn to see him.
See him smile at me.
Touch him.
Smell him like i always do.
Hug him.
Hear him laugh the evil laugh that always irritates me.
Hear him call out my name lovingly.
But he won't. Ever.
I've never prayed half as hard as the past 2 days.
I prayed that he will open his heart for me.
The feeling is worse now than the time that I wanted him but he wanted Malah.
I hated that period of time.
Feeling so inferior to Malah.
Wanting to be the one that he want not her.
I got him. But then again, I've lost him.
I've lost him.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Is this how it feels like to be dead?
Emotionally i mean.
I feel nothing. Maybe there's so many things that i feel nothing. I dont make sense to you do i?
Who cares? I dont. Its my journal, not yours. Who asked you peeps to come peeking at my thoughts. Go away. Get lost.
I still feel nothing.
Fuck.
I wish I'm dead. Physically i mean.
Not the emotionally one.
Maybe if i just lie down on my bed and wish hard enough, i will die.
The heart stops beating or something.
But that is a bit hard.
Or maybe if i accidently fall off the railway track or something.
That's the most hip way to die in Singapore.
Jumping off the track.
But that'd be a bit too painful.
Fuck.
Overdosing on pills seems easy, BUT i read sumwhere during JC times that its actually the most painful way of dying.
Plus, what if they manage to pump out the pills and i dun die at all.
then i'll be back at square one.
and i'll be charged.
Fuck.
Thens there's the ... ermm..what other ways?
the gun thing
where in the world am i going to get one?
Fuck.
I think thats the easies so far.
POP and thats it.
In like 1 secnds.
You are gone.
All the pain and hurt are gone.
Good.
But, i have to think abt my famili.
my mum and dad who has worked so hard for me.
I still owe my mum money for my uni fees u know..sumting like 10 K.
My dad will probbably die of heart attack.
that means, i'l be dragging him to his grave.
Ikin n diyana n aini..i think they'll b fine.
They'd love to have my room and my stuffs.
Mira and mahathir will be devastated i think.
They love me. I love them.
My kids in sch. Fuck off.
I dun care how they feel.
Tok Ne and Tok Aji and Nenek.
They'll be crushed.
Other people in Singapore,
they'll read the news and shake their heads and say that i'm stupid.
Fuck off with them as well.
I'll dfinitely go to hell for that.
All the good deeds n this world that i did will be gone to waste.
i think i did my fair share of good deeds.
let me see...
i'm an ok daughter.
i went to U and be a teaher cos my parents want me to.
Hell, if its up to me, i'd be a salesgirl at the makeup counter.
I'm an ok sister.
I get stepped all over by those brats at home
I dun care.
I'm an ok fren.
I've always been there for my frens.
only the past 6 years, i was too absorbed with sumthing else.
but i'm still ok i tink
i'm an ok teacher.
hell..i tink i was a fab teacher.
i dun think anyone else cares abt those little shits as much as i do.
forever trying to sort out their prob when i have my own.
being aunt agony to all those growing up prob..
what the fuck.
i'm an ok person.
i tried to take all the flyers that pple shove to ur face while u r walking on the road...with a smile and a thank u.
i prayed daily for those tsunami victims.
for whoever who died in a motor/car crash that i read in the news.
for whoever who was raped/killed that i read in the news.
i didnt noe them personally, but i tot that wif my prayers, they'd somehow be better..somewhere up there..
i donated 500 bucks to red cross for the tsunami.
i always donate to the beggers on the street.
i alwys buy stuffs from people who sell things frm door to door..not because i need it but cos i pity them.
i always buy otak2 frm the men downstairs cos i was afraid tak laku...
i always buy the ice cream frm the man on the bike cos i pity him.
i donated beras to the needy people in Buru every fasting month.
i donated money to the msoque in Buru everytime i go there.
So, i'm an ok person i think.
But i'll still go straight up to hell.
Emotionally i mean.
I feel nothing. Maybe there's so many things that i feel nothing. I dont make sense to you do i?
Who cares? I dont. Its my journal, not yours. Who asked you peeps to come peeking at my thoughts. Go away. Get lost.
I still feel nothing.
Fuck.
I wish I'm dead. Physically i mean.
Not the emotionally one.
Maybe if i just lie down on my bed and wish hard enough, i will die.
The heart stops beating or something.
But that is a bit hard.
Or maybe if i accidently fall off the railway track or something.
That's the most hip way to die in Singapore.
Jumping off the track.
But that'd be a bit too painful.
Fuck.
Overdosing on pills seems easy, BUT i read sumwhere during JC times that its actually the most painful way of dying.
Plus, what if they manage to pump out the pills and i dun die at all.
then i'll be back at square one.
and i'll be charged.
Fuck.
Thens there's the ... ermm..what other ways?
the gun thing
where in the world am i going to get one?
Fuck.
I think thats the easies so far.
POP and thats it.
In like 1 secnds.
You are gone.
All the pain and hurt are gone.
Good.
But, i have to think abt my famili.
my mum and dad who has worked so hard for me.
I still owe my mum money for my uni fees u know..sumting like 10 K.
My dad will probbably die of heart attack.
that means, i'l be dragging him to his grave.
Ikin n diyana n aini..i think they'll b fine.
They'd love to have my room and my stuffs.
Mira and mahathir will be devastated i think.
They love me. I love them.
My kids in sch. Fuck off.
I dun care how they feel.
Tok Ne and Tok Aji and Nenek.
They'll be crushed.
Other people in Singapore,
they'll read the news and shake their heads and say that i'm stupid.
Fuck off with them as well.
I'll dfinitely go to hell for that.
All the good deeds n this world that i did will be gone to waste.
i think i did my fair share of good deeds.
let me see...
i'm an ok daughter.
i went to U and be a teaher cos my parents want me to.
Hell, if its up to me, i'd be a salesgirl at the makeup counter.
I'm an ok sister.
I get stepped all over by those brats at home
I dun care.
I'm an ok fren.
I've always been there for my frens.
only the past 6 years, i was too absorbed with sumthing else.
but i'm still ok i tink
i'm an ok teacher.
hell..i tink i was a fab teacher.
i dun think anyone else cares abt those little shits as much as i do.
forever trying to sort out their prob when i have my own.
being aunt agony to all those growing up prob..
what the fuck.
i'm an ok person.
i tried to take all the flyers that pple shove to ur face while u r walking on the road...with a smile and a thank u.
i prayed daily for those tsunami victims.
for whoever who died in a motor/car crash that i read in the news.
for whoever who was raped/killed that i read in the news.
i didnt noe them personally, but i tot that wif my prayers, they'd somehow be better..somewhere up there..
i donated 500 bucks to red cross for the tsunami.
i always donate to the beggers on the street.
i alwys buy stuffs from people who sell things frm door to door..not because i need it but cos i pity them.
i always buy otak2 frm the men downstairs cos i was afraid tak laku...
i always buy the ice cream frm the man on the bike cos i pity him.
i donated beras to the needy people in Buru every fasting month.
i donated money to the msoque in Buru everytime i go there.
So, i'm an ok person i think.
But i'll still go straight up to hell.
I slept through half the day.
I slept and woke up and sept and woke up.
Its a pattern. When I''m depressed.
I just sleep. Even the sleeping position is the same, i realised.
I had so many dreams. And each of the dreams had him in it.
Silli silli dreams. Even one on the set of krayon with Erra in it.
Silly. And one where there was Raden Mas (or was I Raden Mas) and him a pahlawan.
Hahaha..that was funny. Maybe cos i taught my kids about Raden MAs a few lessons back.
I'll wake up frm each dream with a smile plastered on my face, only to remember the mess that I'm in. Then I'll go back to sleep again.
What a wonderful weekend it'll be.
I slept and woke up and sept and woke up.
Its a pattern. When I''m depressed.
I just sleep. Even the sleeping position is the same, i realised.
I had so many dreams. And each of the dreams had him in it.
Silli silli dreams. Even one on the set of krayon with Erra in it.
Silly. And one where there was Raden Mas (or was I Raden Mas) and him a pahlawan.
Hahaha..that was funny. Maybe cos i taught my kids about Raden MAs a few lessons back.
I'll wake up frm each dream with a smile plastered on my face, only to remember the mess that I'm in. Then I'll go back to sleep again.
What a wonderful weekend it'll be.
Friday, April 22, 2005
I have never felt this terrible in my life.
This is the worst feeling ever.
I lost someone dear.
The most important person in my life.
But now I've lost him. His trust. Everything.
Things will never be the same anymore.
Of all the stupid things Ive done in my life..
This is the most extreme.
and I have to pay dearly for it.
Very dearly.
My mind's a blank right now.
I have to stop shedding these tears because like i said, it is my fault and not anyone else's.
I have hurt someone and now I'm hurt myself.
I'd rather have physical pain.
I've contemplated slashing my wrist but gosh..that's what I've always told my students not to do.
I dont want to be someone who doesnt practice what she preaches.
I've thought of jumping off the building.
No guts to do it.
I'd rather suffer physical pain.
I wish this pain would end.
How?
Maybe death would take it all away.
This is the worst feeling ever.
I lost someone dear.
The most important person in my life.
But now I've lost him. His trust. Everything.
Things will never be the same anymore.
Of all the stupid things Ive done in my life..
This is the most extreme.
and I have to pay dearly for it.
Very dearly.
My mind's a blank right now.
I have to stop shedding these tears because like i said, it is my fault and not anyone else's.
I have hurt someone and now I'm hurt myself.
I'd rather have physical pain.
I've contemplated slashing my wrist but gosh..that's what I've always told my students not to do.
I dont want to be someone who doesnt practice what she preaches.
I've thought of jumping off the building.
No guts to do it.
I'd rather suffer physical pain.
I wish this pain would end.
How?
Maybe death would take it all away.
I was told by someone that I spoilt his movie. He thanked me for that.
Didnt react when I tried to touch his hand. My attempt at tryng to make up.
Didnt say a single word on the way back.
Not even a goodbye.
Didnt even want to look at me.
Since he hold on to the prinsip..Do unto others what others do unto u..
I started thinking, maybe i always do such a thing to him
So, it must be my fault.
Was it such a big fault? Unforgivable?
Didnt like the movie. But i wasnt sulking or anything. I watched.
Hushed him when he tried to hush this noisy couple beside us.
Maybe i was wrong.
I must be wrong.
Didnt react when I tried to touch his hand. My attempt at tryng to make up.
Didnt say a single word on the way back.
Not even a goodbye.
Didnt even want to look at me.
Since he hold on to the prinsip..Do unto others what others do unto u..
I started thinking, maybe i always do such a thing to him
So, it must be my fault.
Was it such a big fault? Unforgivable?
Didnt like the movie. But i wasnt sulking or anything. I watched.
Hushed him when he tried to hush this noisy couple beside us.
Maybe i was wrong.
I must be wrong.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
It hurts me to see shahreil working so hard.
I wish there's something that I can do to help.
I wish he can come home to me for a massage.
I wish he can come home to me for a nice meal.
I wish he can come home to me for a nice cup of drink.
I wish he doesn't have to work so hard.
I wish he will find a good job soon.
I wish he will be happy.
I wish life will be kind to him.
He deserves all of the above.
I wish there's something that I can do to help.
I wish he can come home to me for a massage.
I wish he can come home to me for a nice meal.
I wish he can come home to me for a nice cup of drink.
I wish he doesn't have to work so hard.
I wish he will find a good job soon.
I wish he will be happy.
I wish life will be kind to him.
He deserves all of the above.
Pissed off..
I'm sick of all the nonsense that my students are giving me. Very sick. What kind of students are we producing? Selfish..ignorant..self-centred. They think their world is THE world. They are so oblivious to other things other than them. They think the world is unfair to them..they think that everyone has done some kind of injustice to them. They have no sense of direction and purpose in life. They think they are carrying the world's biggest problems on their shoulders. Oh PLEASE! Their problems are nothing compared to what other kids their age are suffering. Poverty, rape, hunger, deaths... And here they are, complaning, whining and crying over silly things like broken friendships.. stress (over what?! they don't even care about their studies!).. and all sorts of nonsense. Sometimes i feel like slapping their face until they really wake up from their neverending slumber. WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!
What do they want in life? Freedom , one girl told me. And this coming from a girl who comes home at 2 am every day. Hah! Is she even thinking? Nope. Does she even know what freedom is? Apparently NOT!
What about those girls who have barely reached puberty..who smoke because they are stressed. What the f%@! I have nothing ot say about them.
And the gang who walked around the school during lesson time like they are some kind of bigshots. What's in their head????
I'm totally pissed. I'm feeling totally pissed at myself for feelin so helpless and not being able to do anything to help them. I'm supposed to be making a diff in other people's life. But am i?
What do they want in life? Freedom , one girl told me. And this coming from a girl who comes home at 2 am every day. Hah! Is she even thinking? Nope. Does she even know what freedom is? Apparently NOT!
What about those girls who have barely reached puberty..who smoke because they are stressed. What the f%@! I have nothing ot say about them.
And the gang who walked around the school during lesson time like they are some kind of bigshots. What's in their head????
I'm totally pissed. I'm feeling totally pissed at myself for feelin so helpless and not being able to do anything to help them. I'm supposed to be making a diff in other people's life. But am i?
Monday, April 18, 2005
lucky me
Its me again..
shows how bored i am today. Ermm..i dun think that's the case. Its more of me trying to avoid doin work. So here i am again, in front of the PC, surfing for useless sites.
Neway, i just finished watching Peterpan's vcd. If you've read my previous entry, you'd know that they are my latest obsession. I watched their attempt at breaking Indo's record of having 6 shows in 6 different regions within 24 hours. Wow! It was splendid. I mean, the reception at each and every state they went to was like wow! And i started to wonder, how does it feel like being them? Being stars. Like them, Siti, Beyonce... and all. Having all these people..thousands and thousands of them waiting for you, shouting for you, grabbing and running after you. Well, i guess i'd never know cos i'll still be me, stuck in a classroom where i'm the one doing the shouting, screaming and running...after the kids, that is. Heheheh..
I'm back to my ungrateful self.. That's bad cos i should thank Allah that I am who i am and i have what i have. I have a fun, silly, happy (sumtimes dysfunctional) family. Sure we have problems most of the times but when i compare that to the kinds of families sum of my students have..i think i'm very lucky. I have a good job... minus all the headaches.. its way better than not having a job at all i realise. i have a wonderful boyfriend. Who's good-looking, sexy, talented, patient, loyal and funny. Minus all the heartaches, it's still a beautiful relationship.
So i guess, i have it all. I'm blessed.
shows how bored i am today. Ermm..i dun think that's the case. Its more of me trying to avoid doin work. So here i am again, in front of the PC, surfing for useless sites.
Neway, i just finished watching Peterpan's vcd. If you've read my previous entry, you'd know that they are my latest obsession. I watched their attempt at breaking Indo's record of having 6 shows in 6 different regions within 24 hours. Wow! It was splendid. I mean, the reception at each and every state they went to was like wow! And i started to wonder, how does it feel like being them? Being stars. Like them, Siti, Beyonce... and all. Having all these people..thousands and thousands of them waiting for you, shouting for you, grabbing and running after you. Well, i guess i'd never know cos i'll still be me, stuck in a classroom where i'm the one doing the shouting, screaming and running...after the kids, that is. Heheheh..
I'm back to my ungrateful self.. That's bad cos i should thank Allah that I am who i am and i have what i have. I have a fun, silly, happy (sumtimes dysfunctional) family. Sure we have problems most of the times but when i compare that to the kinds of families sum of my students have..i think i'm very lucky. I have a good job... minus all the headaches.. its way better than not having a job at all i realise. i have a wonderful boyfriend. Who's good-looking, sexy, talented, patient, loyal and funny. Minus all the heartaches, it's still a beautiful relationship.
So i guess, i have it all. I'm blessed.
In Love..
Today is sunday..and suprisingly, its not too bad. I'm rather calm.. not really thinking about work. Hmm..wonder why...
Well, I've just found a new love. (Shahreil is so going to kill me when he reads this..) It's Ariel PeterPan.. ARgH!! He's so cute.. I wonder what took me sooooooooo long to realise that. I mean, my sisters have been listening to PeterPan''s songs and watching their music videos for like years.. and Me?? Wahhh.. Anyway, it all started when they kept listening to Peterpan's latest cd...The PC is in my room..so i have to listen along..whether i like it or not. SO..after awhile..i realli got used to the songs..especially the one that have Ariel screaming his lungs off...DI BELAKANGKU. So hot.. And, when Shahreil startes singing their songs..it becomes worse. He sang it very well by...heheheh.. SO..the point is..i've found a new love.
At last, i can forget my NewBoyz. I'm sure Shahreil is going to approve my latest choice. He hated NewBoyz. He thought it was kental..no class..Had lots of fights over NewBoyz. He couldnt see why I had to go to all their shows..and chase them all around town. Well, it was fun. It really was. It IS very silly..being an adult (i am?) and all... But chasing NewBoyz made me feel young and for that moment .. I can just forget all the problems and unhappiness that i have. I was actually happy. Chasing NewBoyz was actually happy..and i got to bond with my sisters. And..its not everyday that a star actually asked for your number..even though its just NEWBOYZ. heheheh..but now it's over. I'm done with them. The moment Lan is out..its all over for me and NewBoyz..
It's Now PETERPAN. Hahahaah...
Ermm..
what else?
Tomorrow is my 5yrs and 11 mths anniversary with Shahreil. That's long huh. Didnt think we'd last this long. Cant wait for our 6th Year anniversary.
Well, I've just found a new love. (Shahreil is so going to kill me when he reads this..) It's Ariel PeterPan.. ARgH!! He's so cute.. I wonder what took me sooooooooo long to realise that. I mean, my sisters have been listening to PeterPan''s songs and watching their music videos for like years.. and Me?? Wahhh.. Anyway, it all started when they kept listening to Peterpan's latest cd...The PC is in my room..so i have to listen along..whether i like it or not. SO..after awhile..i realli got used to the songs..especially the one that have Ariel screaming his lungs off...DI BELAKANGKU. So hot.. And, when Shahreil startes singing their songs..it becomes worse. He sang it very well by...heheheh.. SO..the point is..i've found a new love.
At last, i can forget my NewBoyz. I'm sure Shahreil is going to approve my latest choice. He hated NewBoyz. He thought it was kental..no class..Had lots of fights over NewBoyz. He couldnt see why I had to go to all their shows..and chase them all around town. Well, it was fun. It really was. It IS very silly..being an adult (i am?) and all... But chasing NewBoyz made me feel young and for that moment .. I can just forget all the problems and unhappiness that i have. I was actually happy. Chasing NewBoyz was actually happy..and i got to bond with my sisters. And..its not everyday that a star actually asked for your number..even though its just NEWBOYZ. heheheh..but now it's over. I'm done with them. The moment Lan is out..its all over for me and NewBoyz..
It's Now PETERPAN. Hahahaah...
Ermm..
what else?
Tomorrow is my 5yrs and 11 mths anniversary with Shahreil. That's long huh. Didnt think we'd last this long. Cant wait for our 6th Year anniversary.
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
I'm sick
I've got a terrible headache today. Its hurting like hell (and what am i doing in front of the pc?!) Wha's the cause of my heachache? errm..izzit the weather? the rain? the stress? the kids? shahreil? money? the hairspray? i have no idea. Maybe its all of them..but it hurts
Anyway, i think i am a workaholic. I think about work all the time. I feel guilty when i go home early (like today), i feel guilty when I'm not stuck at my desk doing werk (like now).. *argh*
I dont want to be a workaholic. I want to be able to enjoy lazing around after work, guilt free. But even now, my head is full of what i should do after this. Like..preparing my lessons..
I'm doomed..
Anyway, i think i am a workaholic. I think about work all the time. I feel guilty when i go home early (like today), i feel guilty when I'm not stuck at my desk doing werk (like now).. *argh*
I dont want to be a workaholic. I want to be able to enjoy lazing around after work, guilt free. But even now, my head is full of what i should do after this. Like..preparing my lessons..
I'm doomed..
Monday, April 04, 2005
Its back to Sunday
It's positive. Im suffering from Sunday blues. I think that is far worse than the Monday blues. At least, those people who suffer from Monday blues are still able to enjoy their Sundays. Not me. Come Sunday, Í'm a total bitch. I am still a bitch right now, because it IS still Sunday. That is bad, as effectively, my weekend is limited to Saturday. Am i making sense here? Well, who cares. It makes sense to me.'
Anyway, how was my weekend? Saturday was good. I had fun with my beloved girlfriend, Faheema. Love her to bits. Whenever i'm with her, i'm happy. She cracks me up and the best part is of course when we get to gossip. Hahahah... Plus, I can be myself when I'm with her. Not like with some of my other friends. It's hard to be myself when I'm around them. I always feel like I have to watch how i behave..what i say and all that. Always worry whether my clothes too tight, my sleeves too short, my language too vulgar, my make-up too thick.. that kind of thing. Gets very stressed up and all jittery when i'm with them. With Faheema, anything goes... I can let my hair down and just talk crap all day long.
Today's not so good. Mainly because it's sunday. I have to start my most hated ritual.. setting the stupid alarm to 5.15 am. Never mind.. I have another 1 hour or so before i do that.
I'm confused. How can you love someone so much that it hurts. Love is supposed to be a feel-good thing. But how come it hurts. How is it, we are able to love someone so much that just the thought of meeting him will give us the strength to go through the otherwise awful day, YET at the same time, we hate the sight of the person so much that we have this strong desire to punch him in the face. Heheh.. i realli feel like punching him sometimes. I always do the Ally McBeal thing in my head...
But, i also learn (after 6 yrs) that love and relationship takes a lot of hard work. I'm pretty sure what i have with him is true love. (ewww..) But it is true. I mean, this HAS got to be IT. We hurt each other mentally and emotionally all the time, but then it doesnt matter cause at the end of the day, we know that we really do love each other. And we know that we will never ever be happier with another person. And that we really would like to grow old together. And hopefully, we'll still be very much in love then. And that we still want to hold each other's hands and steal kisses every now and then.
I love you, my dear.
Anyway, how was my weekend? Saturday was good. I had fun with my beloved girlfriend, Faheema. Love her to bits. Whenever i'm with her, i'm happy. She cracks me up and the best part is of course when we get to gossip. Hahahah... Plus, I can be myself when I'm with her. Not like with some of my other friends. It's hard to be myself when I'm around them. I always feel like I have to watch how i behave..what i say and all that. Always worry whether my clothes too tight, my sleeves too short, my language too vulgar, my make-up too thick.. that kind of thing. Gets very stressed up and all jittery when i'm with them. With Faheema, anything goes... I can let my hair down and just talk crap all day long.
Today's not so good. Mainly because it's sunday. I have to start my most hated ritual.. setting the stupid alarm to 5.15 am. Never mind.. I have another 1 hour or so before i do that.
I'm confused. How can you love someone so much that it hurts. Love is supposed to be a feel-good thing. But how come it hurts. How is it, we are able to love someone so much that just the thought of meeting him will give us the strength to go through the otherwise awful day, YET at the same time, we hate the sight of the person so much that we have this strong desire to punch him in the face. Heheh.. i realli feel like punching him sometimes. I always do the Ally McBeal thing in my head...
But, i also learn (after 6 yrs) that love and relationship takes a lot of hard work. I'm pretty sure what i have with him is true love. (ewww..) But it is true. I mean, this HAS got to be IT. We hurt each other mentally and emotionally all the time, but then it doesnt matter cause at the end of the day, we know that we really do love each other. And we know that we will never ever be happier with another person. And that we really would like to grow old together. And hopefully, we'll still be very much in love then. And that we still want to hold each other's hands and steal kisses every now and then.
I love you, my dear.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Its finally friday! yippeee!!
i'm in a good mood today.. simply because it is FINALLY freaking FRIDAY!!! YEAH!!!!!!!! *phew*
I've been slogging through all week long! Finally I can look forward to sleeping late at night today and not having to think about waking up early tomorrow. You know what i hate doing most at night? Its setting the alarm to 5.15am. It sucks totally. And today! Like all fridays! I dont have to do that dreadful thing. Hehehhe..I'm a happy person today.
Anyways, i have 2 very difficult tasks.
a) preparing the House Identity for sports day. It is a big thing cause, we were last year's champs and so the pressure is on us to win..both the events and the cheerleading. I've asked a few kids to think of what to do/make...and praying that they can be trusted to do what i asked them to do well..and most importantly, on time. Sports Day is next Sat and i really do not wish to be a nervous wreck on Friday, screaming at them to finish doing the shakers, pompoms and whatnots. Well, hope that all goes well yeah..
b) the P called me to her office a few days back. She wanted to talk regarding the 3NT girls. She has sort of challenged me to change the girls. How am i supposed to do that?!!!! I'm having sleepless nights thinking of what to do.. Well, for start, i'm meeting one of them after school (in like 20 more minutes!) and i have no idea what to do or say yet. I'm really heartbroken to see these girls turning out to be like this. They were such angels when they first entered the school. What happened?! Something is wrong... with the system..with the society... and i am still clueless as to what is the core problem here..
BUT, last week, it suddenly dawned upon me that the single-session system in school has a single for extremely huge flaw! Its like a revelation. I felt as thought i was going through enlightenment or sumthing..hehehhe... The flaw here is that.... a single-session school allows the decent, naive, impressionable sec 1 kids to emulate the less then praiseworthy behaviour of the sec3s and 4s. Students from all levels mix very freely...and its scary how fast the sec 1s go through the transformation--from good to bad. I strongly believe that we should just cut these unnecessary and sometimes destructive relationships between the lower sec and the upper sec kids! HELLOOOO!!! MOE personnels!! Are you reading this?!
before i end... i want to add that i realise that teaching IS a truly noble profession and i am proud that i am a teacher.. (thou it sucks most of the time)
I've been slogging through all week long! Finally I can look forward to sleeping late at night today and not having to think about waking up early tomorrow. You know what i hate doing most at night? Its setting the alarm to 5.15am. It sucks totally. And today! Like all fridays! I dont have to do that dreadful thing. Hehehhe..I'm a happy person today.
Anyways, i have 2 very difficult tasks.
a) preparing the House Identity for sports day. It is a big thing cause, we were last year's champs and so the pressure is on us to win..both the events and the cheerleading. I've asked a few kids to think of what to do/make...and praying that they can be trusted to do what i asked them to do well..and most importantly, on time. Sports Day is next Sat and i really do not wish to be a nervous wreck on Friday, screaming at them to finish doing the shakers, pompoms and whatnots. Well, hope that all goes well yeah..
b) the P called me to her office a few days back. She wanted to talk regarding the 3NT girls. She has sort of challenged me to change the girls. How am i supposed to do that?!!!! I'm having sleepless nights thinking of what to do.. Well, for start, i'm meeting one of them after school (in like 20 more minutes!) and i have no idea what to do or say yet. I'm really heartbroken to see these girls turning out to be like this. They were such angels when they first entered the school. What happened?! Something is wrong... with the system..with the society... and i am still clueless as to what is the core problem here..
BUT, last week, it suddenly dawned upon me that the single-session system in school has a single for extremely huge flaw! Its like a revelation. I felt as thought i was going through enlightenment or sumthing..hehehhe... The flaw here is that.... a single-session school allows the decent, naive, impressionable sec 1 kids to emulate the less then praiseworthy behaviour of the sec3s and 4s. Students from all levels mix very freely...and its scary how fast the sec 1s go through the transformation--from good to bad. I strongly believe that we should just cut these unnecessary and sometimes destructive relationships between the lower sec and the upper sec kids! HELLOOOO!!! MOE personnels!! Are you reading this?!
before i end... i want to add that i realise that teaching IS a truly noble profession and i am proud that i am a teacher.. (thou it sucks most of the time)
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