there's no words to describe how sad i am. Sad seems like an understatement. It was just a simple wish.. chat with my loved one. And that caused an argument. Silly me.

Widad

I read a novel yesterday. Well, it's been quite some time since i last read a Malay novel but last night, out of boredom, i took a book out of my sister's drawer. She had borrowed it from the library.

And guess what? I read it from like like 1030pm to 430am! minus the 1 hour plus that i spent talking to shahreil. It was one of the most wonderful novels that i've ever read! I dont remember crying that much while reading a book! And i couldnt even bring myself to stop reading although it was already 4.oo in the morning!

The title of the book is Hati Yang Luka by Norhayati Berahim. It's about this woman called Widad. The story began with her in Sweden. She had just completed her Masters and was contemplating on whether she should return to her homeland (in this case, Malaysia) It was quite obvious that something was stopping her from returning home although she really missed her parents. However, fate brought her back.

It's a long story, but to cut it short..she had to marry her ex-fiancee. Yes! Her ex-fiancee. They were engaged for 2 years before she broke it off and left for Sweden. Apparently, the guy was a bossy, self-centred and egoistic person. Widad's parents used to work for his family. Her dad was the driver..and her mum was the maid. In fact, Widad grew up in the Datuk's and Datin's household. And she grew up with the guy..Raof. The families were close and their parents decided to pair them up. Reluctantly, Raof, who believed that Widad is beneath him, agreed. Anyway, after 2 years in that loveless engagement, Widad left.

She married Raof because of some complicated issue... but not before she made Raof to sign an agreement whereby he'd divorce her once everything has been settled. So, for 2 years..they lived as husband and wife. She's suffering of course, not physically, because Raof would never hurt her. But mentally and emotionally. Raof is totally a heartless guy who shoots off his mouth without even considering what Widad feels. Widad, being Widad, just kept it inside her..

So..the story basically revolves on Widad... I'm totally amazed by how strong she is. I mean..outside..she's sweet, soft and seems to be ever obliging. But inside..she's on strong woman. She took everything in her stride and just do what she thinks is right for her family. She always put others before her. And she's a ;ady with very strong principles. Sadly though, reading about her only make me realise that I am not even half as good a person as she is. Shahreil will be angry at me. He'd say that I'm being my negative self. Well, maybe. But truly..I'm not like Widad. Nowhere near.

i feel like crying..or throwing a tantrum..or shouting at the innocent around me.
I have no idea why.

The day was supposed to be a fun-filled one. Breakfast with my love, and spending the whole day with him. Alas, i should have learned from past experiences that when i expect too much of something, i will be disappointed. And i was.

But it was ok. Although i was seething with anger throughout the journey. i tried to calm myself. Cos i know somehow, everything will be twisted around..and I will be the bitch. As usual.

And it got better when he bought me a big bar of choc (fruit n nut..my fav). I didnt want to spoil the day. It was ok. We had a good lunch(on him) and caught a good movie... the movie was suprisingly good. Too many asian horror stories have let me down..so i wasnt expecting much from this..but it was good. I was spooked. but then, i get spooked easily..

Anyway, back to my date. It was a nice date...but somehow, it wasn't enough. It's just not enough nowdays. I want MORe. More excitement..somehow everything was so normal and so...typical. Eat..movie..walk around..and then eat again cos we are bored and dunno what else to do...and then go home. Every single day is the same.

I want different things. Thats why i've been asking him to go out with me at 6am..go hiking or walking ard to nice eating places to have our breakfast. Find a new spot to eat. I think that'd be lovely. Then, watch the sunrise or something. Then go cycling...or play badminton..or go build sandcastles..or go to treetop walk or.. go ubin..or swimming..or fucking anything@!

I want to cry so badly. I want to shout so badly. I wish he'd understand. he wouldnt. He's so contented witht he way things are. no matter how boring US have been. I'm fucking sad! i want him to understand. i am so sad. I've been so looking forward to this june holidays to do so many things with him. but the way things are..it'll be the same boring days.. all the way till school reopens...

i want to cry.