Motherhood

Thank you, Samsiah for introducing this wonderful website to me: www.suhaibwebb.com
That's one of the things I love about having Sam not only as a colleague, but a friend. She's not only my makan kaki, she also inspires me to be better al the time. And for that, I am grateful.

While browsing through the website, I came upon this article, "Mother, Not Matyr", and boy, don't I just agree with everything that's written in it!
Basically, there's 6 ways that mothers can find the balance and get through the tough days of parenthood while at the same time enjoying the whole journey. (and some days, I can tell you, it is EXTREMELY tough to find the enjoyment!)

No 1: I will remind myself daily that my time with my children is precious

I do this all the time when I feel like screaming out loud, "I HATE BEING A MOTHER, GET ME OUT OF HERE!" I try to remind myself that every minute is precious because once I'm back at work, I will miss them soooooo much. And of course, this doesnt last forever.. the hugs, the wanting to be with me, the clinging on to my leg as I try to move from one room to another, the barging into the room as I try to have a moment to myself, the knocking on the door as I try to have some quiet moment hiding in the toilet (yes! I do that!).. There will come a day when all these will stop, when I'm no longer the person that they love the most! And how I dread it!

No. 2: . “I will take care of myself.”

I believe this is just one of the 'occupational hazards' of being a mother. We tend to just give and give and give that we totally forgot about ourselves. Just a few weeks back Shahreil commented, "Kenapa rambut you keras?" I didnt know whether to scream at him or to cry. Of course it's keras! When was the last time I went to the salon?! When was the last time I had time to actually dry my hair properly?! When was the last time I wore a hair mask?! When ?! When?! When?!

I've been pushing back the idea of going to the salon soooo many days because I feel guilty about leaving my kids while I'm out pampering myself. But HEY! A happy mother is afterall a better mother! Having a few hours to myself doing whatever I want doesnt make me a bad mom, does it? So I will try to push that guilt aside and have that salon date (with myself) sometime this week. No more pushing it back!

3. I'm not a perfect mother.

Don't you just hate it when you see a mother who seems to have it all under control? Cos I don't. Most of the time, I feel like Im losing control. But lucky for me, I'm surrounded by mother friends who are in the same state as me. :-)

"We can only do the best that we can with what we have and we should focus on the things that matter – our relationships with them. Dinners won’t always be amazing, the dishes won’t always be clean, and laundry will pile up, but when our kids become adults they won’t remember any of that; rather they will remember the time they spent and the conversations they had with us."

This paragraph really hit me in the face! Sometimes (ok ok... almost all the time!) I am too preoccupied in trying to have everything in the house in perfect order that I neglect my kids. So today, I'm declaring a no-housework day, and will devote all my time to being with them! YEAHHH!!!

NO 4: I will make my marriage a priority.

That's the reason why I NEED the dates with Shahreil. I salute those parents who do not go anywhere without their children. I can't. I have to have those weekly dates or I will just go crazy.

"It is vital we spend time alone with our husband so that we can see each other through the lens of a spouse and not only as a caregiver to our children. "

Other than seeing Shahreil as the father of my boys, I need to see him as my lover, my friend, my buddy, my clown, my companion.. everything that he was before parenthood came along.


No 5: I will value my friendships

Ok, I'm guilty of this. I should go out more often with my friends. Period.

No 6: I will prioritize family dinners

And for this, I will slowly get to it. :-)


Here's to TRYING to be a happier mother!

Reza Ilhan

It's been a month since I gave birth to Reza Ilhan, but I've yet to blog about his arrival into this world. Is that enough proof of how hectic my schedule has been so far?

Yes! I chose to try and take care of both kids myself at home. Spent a week at my mum's and a few days at mak's. Well, like they say, there's no place like home. Never mind that I'm doing 10 things at the same time, never mind that I get tired and cranky at times, never mind that Ryan always choose to want to pee when I'm feeding Reza, never mind that when one sleeps the other choose to wake up. Never mind. Never mind. Never mind.

Oh. The birth story. So.. Reza, like his brother, was born on his EDD. But Reza, unlike his brother, had to be induced. Hmmm.. I never got round to asking Dr Wong why he wanted to induce Reza instead of just waiting for him to pop out. Oh wells..

Let me tell you, the few days before I was induced was very terrifying. I guess with Ryan, I went into labour very ignorant. Didnt know what I was in for. But with Reza, I kept playing the scene over and over and over in my head. I was expecting the pain, the vomit, the being 'violated; by so many nurses. Yup, I was one terrified mummy-to-be.

We happily made our way to Thomson at 11.30pm, after we had send Ryan to mak's house and after we had supper at Adam Road. Oh.. Shahreil had supper, I was too nervous to eat.

I was admitted to the ward and all was fine, though I couldn't sleep AT ALL. Nervous, I guess. The cramps started at about 4am, but it was still bearable. At 8 am, I waled into the observation room and the cramps started to be more intense. And the rest were exactly what I pictured it to be.. the blood, the pain, the vomit.. Urgh.

By the time Dr Wong came to burst my waterbag, I was 4cm dilated and the pain was so so so unbearable. I feel blessed that Shahreil was there with me all the time for me to squeeze his hand whenever the contractions kicked in. It was definitely more intense than when I was with Ryan and I thought.. NO... I can't possibly tahan the immense pain for what I thought would be another 5-6 more hours, so I requested for epidural.

But you know what! Once I was given the epidural, I felt like berak-ing, although I know that actually I was ready to give birth. Told the nurse and immediately checked my dilation and suprise..suprise... I was actually FULLY dilated already! All ready to give birth!!! SO fast one!!

I was wheeled to the delivery room and still had to wait for Dr Wong who was in another delivery room with another patient. I really felt like 'berak-ing' and still must wait.

3 pushes and out he came! Hehehhe.. Unlike Ryan whom I pushed for nearly 1 and half hour! Heheh..

Reza Ilhan, welcome to the family!

24 June, no?

After all the panic attacks I had today during the CTG at Thomson, I realise that I had to stop procrastinating and pack that damn bag! So, I did! Now that the bag is all ready, portable hp charger charged (need to fb while waiting to deliver maaahh) and my outfit n tudung to go to the hospital ironed... I am feeling rather calm and ready.

I know I've been saying that I do not want to share my birthdate with Little R the Second, but actually, it is gonna be a wonderful present for myself, ya? Last year, I received the bestest gift on my birthday when Allah opened my heart to finally don the hijab. (and how can I forget my dear hubby who gave me 2 tudungs and a brooch set to show me his support for my decision). Maybe this year, my present will be having that little one in my arms. But, no pressure, sayang. You come out whenever YOU are ready for the world!

Ibu, Abah and Abang Ryan simply can't wait to welcome you into the family!
Pssst: Come out fast fast ahh... Dont torture ibu too much!

Bidadari

I had a very interesting conversation with Samsiah over our usual lunch date yesterday.
And since then, I strive to be his bidadari...
Insyallah..

Way to go, girl!

I was chatting with a colleague, while supervising the kids hip hopping/street jazzing in the hall.She said that it's very hard for her to juggle work and family.

Mind you, she works on a part-time scheme, which means only 3 times a week. And that also means, no form class/admin matters/parents to handle, no CCA, no Committee and no meetings.She stays with her mom on weekdays so that her mom can help look after her kids.And she also has a maid, which means housework matters are off her hands.And she still says it's hard.

*Gasp* What have I been doing for the past few years? Slogging it off and still feels guilty about not being good enough.

Nurhayati, you are no superwoman! Remember that!

About birds and bees

Lately, the issue of Singaporeans not having enough babies have been in the news. And as a married woman and a mother, such news never fail to catch my attention. Let me just tell you, what may encourage ME, to have more kids.



Before I got married and have a kid, I always dream of having 4 kids. The more the merrier, was my philosophy. Especially since I grew up in a big family. The idea of having only 1 or 2 kids just seems so.... lonely. But of course, reality hits me in the face and I have to admit that THAT dream seems so silly and not to mention, scary, right now.



Oh yah, back to what will encourage ME (I really don't care about others) to reproduce and reproduce and reproduce:



1) Lower the price of housing:



Every young couple I know complain about the rocket high prices of housing in our cute, little country. How do you expect us to expand and have more kids when sometimes, the basic necessity of having a place to call home is not even possible? Shahreil and I had to go rounds after rounds of balloting for a new flat (since it is cheaper and more practical for us who has yet to have much ka-ching in the bank). How many times did we waste our $10 just to find out that we are the number 5234, queing for 230 units? Chet! In the end, we settled for a resale flat, which of course, wiped out our entire savings!





2) Lower the price of owning a car:



I know, I know.. we are encouraged to take public transport. But seriously, if you have kids in tow (especially small ones) you wouldnt want to spend your time running after packed buses or trains. Especially since my parents live at the other end of the island and and it is going to be a hassle if we have to keep taking public transport to get there. And not to mention the daily task of having to send and fetch our son to/fro my MIL's house daily. Take public transport? You want me to die of exhaustion, ah? SO, having a car is no longer a luxury, but a necessity. And having to spend so much monthly on the loan, the petrol, the parking charges... It's just a huge burden!



3) Make child care more affordable:



Let us be realistic here. Gone are the days where grandparents are the main caregiver for our children. They have a life of their own. And imagine if they have 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 grandchildren. How? Turn their house into childcare issit? So, young parents have no other options but to turn to these 2 alternatives: Maid or Childcare.



A) Maid:

I dont even want start on how SCARY it is for parents to have a total stranger look after their kids. Horror stories aside, I do not want my kids to spend half their day with a maid who doesnt do much in a child's development. I grew up with maids all my life and what did I get out of it? I became a dangdut fan. :-)

But most of us do not have much choice, do we? We end up turning to these maids to take our place at home, and the cost of having a maid... WAHLAO! Paying the poor things their deserved salary is fine by me... but the monthly levy? That's another issue altogether!


B) Childcare centres:

There's always the childcare centres, right? BUT... it's not that cheap too, despite the subsidy. And if you have more that 1 kid, nearly 1/3 of your pay goes to childcare!


So yeah... who looks after the child is one MAJOR headache! Of course, the ideal scenario is the MOTHER looks after the child. But with such high cost of living here, only the lucky ones get to do that. Mere mortals like the rest of us, HAVE to work.


Try living the life of the working -couple- with- no- maid. It's not easy. It's a struggle everyday. You go to work. Feels guilty not spending enough time with your child. Feels guilty not doing as much as you feel you should at work. Go home. Tired. Still must wash, clean, cook, look after child's needs. Feels guilty that you are trying to finish housework and NOT spend quality time bonding and developing your child. Feels guilty that you are not bringing work home. Feels guilty that you are not spending enough quality time with your spouse. Guilty that you are not looking after your spouse's need. Guilty that you are forever cranky and angry at your spouse. Tired. Go to sleep. Dream about work. Wake up feeling tired. And the cycle continues.

It's a guilt trip every freaking day!

Tell me then, why should I want more kids? If just with one, I feel guilty that he's not being taken care of as best as he should be... why should I multiply it by 2, 3, 4? Of course, I can give birth every single year... but any young couples with enough brains and sensibility wants a family life that has QUALITY! We want to ensure that our offsprings have the best that life has to offer and that means, the occasional family trips, the enrichment classes, the occasional treats to real good (expensive) food. And of course, parents who have the time to be WITH them and not slogging it out at work.

So yeah, tell me again.... Should I have lots of kids here? I don't think so.

(Not that I'm not grateful to all the baby bonuses and whatever incentives the top people are giving us, but seriously... it's not enough lah..)

Alright... the working woman has to get back to work.

And the story goes..

And so, I've lost a sister.