my love story

i used to have this simplistic idea of how a relationship should and would be.
Too simplistic. Girl falls in love with boy. Boy feels the same way. They live happily ever after. Read too many fairytales i guess.
I then realise, after so many years that, thats not the way.
there's too many things that actualli prevent u frm having the happily ever after ending.
Its kind of sad actualli.

I'm sad about many things.
1) I'm still sore about the Hanyut thing. Its not so much that he make out with another gerl on natinal tv. I'm not as stupid as to not be able to differentiate between reality and the tv-thingy.. But its sad that he doesnt thing that i should be given this tiny bit of allowance of being jealous over that. U noe..for weeks after he told me about the scenes, i was relishing the idea of being able to torment him into feeling guilty about it. Me and my sisters joked about how i could merajok for at least a month. It seemed kind of fun at first. Boy, was i wrong or wat! No sympathy at all. He got irritated. He gets irritated a lot these days u noe. And mostly its at me.

2) I'm hurt about the cancelling out the date thing. Was i being unreasonable? I realli tried to control wateva i was feeling. I still dun understd why he'd cancel out on me and my cooking (maybe my cooking sucks..hahah) to tag along with his frens. Somehow it just proves to me how much he'd rather be with them than with me. I didnt merajok, like he tot i was. Actualli i havnt bothered to merajok for a very long time. He didnt realise that. Usuali i'm angry. I dont merajok. I show my anger. There's a difference there. I nvr expect him to pujuk anymore. Why sld he rite?

3) About the blog thing. I realise today that Farah knew about the blog way before me. I dunno what to feel. I thought i was his best friend. He was mine. Obviously i'm not. Nvm..i dun want to talk about it.

4) He says realli hurtful things nowdays. He's sick of me and my silly antics. That much i noe. I'm a negative person. Expecting life to gv me roses or sumthing like dat.. Materialistic.. I think the worse part was the i make him sick part. It hurts. It still does actualli. After all these years and all i've done for him, i realised that i actualli make him sick. I sound petty rite..talking about the things i've done for him when he has done as much for me. Well.. i dunno..

SO to sum it up..

I dunno how to say no.
I'm sick today.
I've lost a bestfriend. Maybe i've nvr had one in the first place.
I'm too materialistic.
I'm bored.
My life is actualli empty. I just realised that. Its empty without him. So empty.

I can feel it..

its not a good day.
can feel it in my bones.
havent been good for so many days now actuali..
before dat.. have i wished all a v happy chinese new year? Gong Xi Fa Cai!!
how was ur celebration?
mine was like shit..

let me recall the things i did.
i re-watched all five vcds of young and dangerous which my colleague had kindly lend me, even thou i've spent the nite b4 watching them frm 8pm-2 am.
i guess the very sexy and suave chan ho nam never fail to distract me from whateva unhappiness i'm feeling. For a few hours i was happy being in this exciting world of triads, gangfights, guns, ah bengs and so on..

out of boredom i managed to read 5 novels in all..Hah! thats a total achievement for me. Usually. i'd take 3 days to finish one..but wow.. i'm good... It didnt help that when i took out this richard laymon book, i saw this being written on one of the pages "happy anniversary. I love you, yati" Arghhh... I closed it immediately and chucked it one side. i really didnt need that.

I didnt feel like watching any of the shows on tv. I was actualli looking forward to the Mr Cinderella 2.. but i dunno, wld v much rather be alone in the room somehow. I slept.. The best way to escape. I slept..woke up, looked at the hp and slept and woke up and look at the hp and slept.. fedac helped a lot actuali.

After awhile, i've ran out of vcds to watch and novels to read, so i ended up reading every single thing that was available to me. newspapers ( even the sports section!), magazines and even watson flyers.. hahahha... terrible ..

the lowest point came when i was reduced to observing these ants steadily crawling on my walls. There i was lying on my bed, when i saw the ants. I ended up watching them. And wondering what exactly they were doing, what were they saying to each other. That took like 30 mins of my time. Not so bad.

Today, is not a good day.
I realised that i didnt know how to say "no".
My colleague asked me to do something for her after school.
i said no at first..but after a little bit of persuasion..i relented. silly me.
i'm ever so silly. never learn.

i wish i am..

it's not a good day today. Well, if you notice, i onli write when its not a good day. It's not supposed to be like that. I realli wanted to write when i was happy and satisfied.

For the last few weeks, i was happy. I woke up cranky( of course) but i always managed to perk myself up after the shower.. and while doing my make up where i always pretend that i'm some kind of famous singer off to do a photoshoot (pathetic, i noe) Then i always looked forward to my ever wonderful bus rides and the early morning walk to school. Its really lovely u noe. The scenery is absolutely beautiful at 6.30am. I always wished that someday i can share that gorgeous scenery on the bridge overlooking the highway with my bf( if i can drag him out of bed, that is). But of cos, i've lost my chance now.

I enjoyed my lessons (hey, i AM a creative teacher!) and even the long hours in school. I would stay back after school to do my werk cos i didnt feel like going home. Its actually quite nice to stay back late and do stuffs without rushing.

But that changed. I dunno why. I'm back to being my cranky old self. I'm tired. Exhausted realli. 4 times a week i will go home after 5 pm. 3 times for CCA (under the blazing sun!) and 1 for the whateva meetings/workshops on thursdays. If not that, i''l b with my bf.. trudging all over town doing nothing. It's not that i dont like being with him. Hell, that's the onli thing i look forward to each day. but i'm tired and the endless walking is not my idea of fun. I didnt noe that being a teacher requires u to be on your feet that much. Imagine this..5.15..i'm up on my feet..all the way to 6.55 at least. On ave.. i have 5 hours of lesson time per day and so..5 hours of standing..then, if i hv CCA, dun start imagining i'm sitting down..i'll be on the fireld..STANDING. I'm tired! My fucking feet hurts! It hurts like fucking mad! and i only wish that he gvs me a little understanding..not to mention a nice massage..

but he sees all these whining abt being tired as me being the weak one.. WHy dont u go have a little jog at night. he expects me to jog! i can barely even stand when i reach home. I'm exhausted and he wants me to JOG! it really doesnt help you noe. i wished he'd say, come here dear..let me gv u a back rub..or he'l take off my shoes and massage my feet a little. but wheneva i say i'm tired, he'l suggest going home ( with the best intentions, i noe) but i dun want to go home. I want to be with him. Sitting down in a park..and doing nothing. But he gets restless whenva we r sitting down in a park or by the beach or anywhere....

but thats all over. he left me. yesterday. for good. a little hug. and thats it. goodbye. what was i supposed to say? i dunno what to say. i only said thank you. for what the hell, i dunno. thank you for the maggi he cooked for me( i love him for that), thank you for the slippers ( i love him for that too), thank you for the hug, thank you for the kiss, thank you for staying with me for 2000++ days, thank you for tolerating me, thank you for doing my pc, thank you for doing my website for me when i had to do it for my NUS assignment, thank you for doing all the video editing stuffs for me during my practicum, thank you for sending me home late at night, thank you for singing to me before i sleep, thank you for suprising me with flowers, thank you for choosing me over Malah, thank you for being with me on my first 3 plane rides, thank you for listening to all my sill money problems, thank you for siding with my family on the 'bomoh' issue, thank you for charming my family, thank you for gving me your baby video, thank you for tolerating my materialistic personality, thank you for the meals you've treated me to, thank you for the $99 radio u bought me with your salary, thank you for the barbie dolls that you bought me, thank you for keeping my atm cards, thank you for helping me buy my digi cam, thank you for helping me buy my thumbdrive, thank you for eating my sour lemak ayam, thank you for being with me when i bought my first Levis jeans, thank you for buying me my baju kebayas when i have no money to buy them, thank you for visiting my mum in hospital, thank you for visiting my dad in hospital, thank you for fetching me from NUS, thank you for fetching me from NIE, thank you for fetching me work, thank you for being with me at the library while i was doing my research, thank you for treating me to Cafe Vienna, thank you for the wonderful 4th year anniversary present, thank you for making me the muddy mud pie, thank you for introducing me to your wonderful family, thank you for inviting me to Kukup, thank you for lending me money when i have none, thank you for topping up my Ezlink card, thank you for sending me those emails, thank you for sending me ecards, thank you for sending me letters, thank you for calling me up when u r overseas, thnak you for lending me your jacket when i'm cold, thank you for squeezing my hands when we r on ur bike, thank you for biting me to show that you love me, thank you for calling me all those absurd names which i always pretend that i hate, thank you for pinching me thou it hurts most of the time, thank you for making me laugh, thank you for all the bears that u bought me, thank you for shopping with me, thank you.. thank you.. thank you..

its a new day. nothing to look forward to.