Is this how it feels like to be dead?
Emotionally i mean.
I feel nothing. Maybe there's so many things that i feel nothing. I dont make sense to you do i?
Who cares? I dont. Its my journal, not yours. Who asked you peeps to come peeking at my thoughts. Go away. Get lost.

I still feel nothing.
Fuck.
I wish I'm dead. Physically i mean.
Not the emotionally one.
Maybe if i just lie down on my bed and wish hard enough, i will die.
The heart stops beating or something.

But that is a bit hard.

Or maybe if i accidently fall off the railway track or something.
That's the most hip way to die in Singapore.
Jumping off the track.
But that'd be a bit too painful.
Fuck.

Overdosing on pills seems easy, BUT i read sumwhere during JC times that its actually the most painful way of dying.
Plus, what if they manage to pump out the pills and i dun die at all.
then i'll be back at square one.
and i'll be charged.
Fuck.

Thens there's the ... ermm..what other ways?
the gun thing
where in the world am i going to get one?
Fuck.
I think thats the easies so far.
POP and thats it.
In like 1 secnds.
You are gone.
All the pain and hurt are gone.

Good.

But, i have to think abt my famili.
my mum and dad who has worked so hard for me.
I still owe my mum money for my uni fees u know..sumting like 10 K.
My dad will probbably die of heart attack.
that means, i'l be dragging him to his grave.

Ikin n diyana n aini..i think they'll b fine.
They'd love to have my room and my stuffs.

Mira and mahathir will be devastated i think.
They love me. I love them.

My kids in sch. Fuck off.
I dun care how they feel.

Tok Ne and Tok Aji and Nenek.
They'll be crushed.

Other people in Singapore,
they'll read the news and shake their heads and say that i'm stupid.
Fuck off with them as well.

I'll dfinitely go to hell for that.
All the good deeds n this world that i did will be gone to waste.
i think i did my fair share of good deeds.
let me see...

i'm an ok daughter.
i went to U and be a teaher cos my parents want me to.
Hell, if its up to me, i'd be a salesgirl at the makeup counter.

I'm an ok sister.
I get stepped all over by those brats at home
I dun care.

I'm an ok fren.
I've always been there for my frens.
only the past 6 years, i was too absorbed with sumthing else.
but i'm still ok i tink

i'm an ok teacher.
hell..i tink i was a fab teacher.
i dun think anyone else cares abt those little shits as much as i do.
forever trying to sort out their prob when i have my own.
being aunt agony to all those growing up prob..
what the fuck.

i'm an ok person.
i tried to take all the flyers that pple shove to ur face while u r walking on the road...with a smile and a thank u.
i prayed daily for those tsunami victims.
for whoever who died in a motor/car crash that i read in the news.
for whoever who was raped/killed that i read in the news.
i didnt noe them personally, but i tot that wif my prayers, they'd somehow be better..somewhere up there..

i donated 500 bucks to red cross for the tsunami.
i always donate to the beggers on the street.
i alwys buy stuffs from people who sell things frm door to door..not because i need it but cos i pity them.
i always buy otak2 frm the men downstairs cos i was afraid tak laku...
i always buy the ice cream frm the man on the bike cos i pity him.
i donated beras to the needy people in Buru every fasting month.
i donated money to the msoque in Buru everytime i go there.

So, i'm an ok person i think.
But i'll still go straight up to hell.