As Promised..

Here's the list of reflections that I promised, in case somebody thinks that I'm bedek-ing.

Let's start with the most boring part,
(1) WORK-WISE:
Hmmm.. I think I did quite well this year. I was heaped with lots and lots and lots of tasks which looked really daunting and scary to me. Things like organising school assembly programmes (2 of them!), ML Week, being i/c of this.. i/c of that..things that I initially thought I couldn't handle at all. But suprise, suprise.. I managed to handle those tasks pretty well and I'm totally proud of myself. I guess it's true..nobody really enters a job and immediately become an expert, you have to learn on the job and this year I did a lot of learning. I mean A LOT.

Areas of Improvement: I need to sign up for more courses (I think I was way short of the 100hr requirement this year. hehehhe..) and I'm definitely going for the work attachment thingy next year.

(2) RELATIONSHIP:
I don't know if my partner will agree to this, but I feel that this has been quite a rough year for us. Firstly, there were 2 rather serious break-ups and I'll take full responsibility for both of them. I really thought I had lost him during those 2 times, but I'm glad that here we are, stronger than ever. Second, I guess the fact that we have been in this limbo state for like way too long that I/we(?) began to get restless. I was so tired of being in a rship that doesnt seem to have any direction at all. But now we do. ;-P

I'm also quite pleased to note that we argue much lesser now. (agree?) For instance, previously..when we argue (over the phone), we'll slammed down the phone and then start hurling accusations and hurtful smses to one another. Its usually never-ending cos we'll feel hurt and we'll want to hurt the oter party even more by sending more hurtful smses. We just didn't want to lose. Now, we still slam down the phone and send 1 or 2 smses but thats it. We'll then cool down and then apologise and it's ok.

And after so many years, I began to learn that him being angry at me or scolding me or hurting me with words doesnt mean that he doesn't love me. I learn that he usually says mean things when he's angry but he doesnt mean it. He IS mean when he is pissed off. He ever called me a thick princess-thinking skull and that hurt like hell. But things like that don't bother me much anymore.

Gosh! I did learn a lot after nearly 7 years.

Areas of Improvement: Smile sweetly when he says that he's going to Alif. ;-P

(3) MONEY-WISE:
I haven't been saving as much as I'm supposed to simply because I couldnt see any reason to. I scrimp and save and in the end I had to take a huge portion out to lend this person and that person. Imagine the heartache when I had to take out 2K, and nope, I'm not even going to start thinking that I'm ever going to get that money back. But now, at least I have a purpose in saving. I have to save money for the wedding, and for a house. So, NOW, I WILL save.

Areas of Improvement: No more lending.

(4) Others:

Somewhere in the middle of the year, I agreed to sponsor my relative's education back in Indonesia. He's my second cousin (grandmommas are sisters, mothers are cousins). He was about to enrol to a uni in Pekan Baru when the person who has been sponsoring his education all this while decided to stop the funding. He was totally devastated and I really didn't want him to stop schooling because of that. It's very rare for people in that island to go that far in education. Most of them only finish secondary school. I thought Kamal (that's his name) has the drive and the potential to go further and it's a pity if he quit halfway cos of money. And it's not even much money. 50 bucks per mth to cover his fees, rent and daily expenses. And I'm not asking for anything in return, I'd be happy to see Kamal hold that cert someday. And hopefully he'll manage to help raise his family's standard of living somehow.

So, i guess.. I did quite ok this year huh. Hope next year will be better. I'll start thinking of my new year resolutions.

Bye Bye 2005

It's that time of the year again.
I know that most of us will start thinking of our new year resolutions, but I personally believe that before we come to that, we need to take some time to reflect on what we have done/ achieved/failed this year.

I'll think about it and tell you tomorrow. Promise.

I know I did the right thing. But it left a hollow feeling in my stomach.

........

Alif. Alif. Alif.

Happy Anniversary.

To be honest, I woke up with a dreadful feeling inside me.
I didn't know how I was going to go through the day.
But hey! It's all done.
A big thank you for:

a) My mom who was super excited and woke up real early in the morning to clean up the house (like it was Hari Raya!) and bought 2 vases of FRESH FLOWERS (can you believe that!).
b) My dad for trying so hard to keep cool although everyone knows that he's squealing with delight inside.
c) To Tok Aji, Nenek and Tok Ne whose very presence made a huge difference to me.
d) To Pak Long and Mak Long who not only came, but brought along 2 huge pots of mee briyani!Sedappppp...
e) To Cik Niah, without her, wé wld have been clueless in the kitchen.
f) To my sisters who provided me with the much needed encouragement, support and constant supply of crappy jokes. I wldnt have been able to go thru it without u babes!
g) And to my dearest mbak yu, who had to bear the brunt of it all when mummy was getting stressed up about the whole affair. Thank you mbak yu!

The biggest thank you goes to YOU. You know who you are.
It's the best anniversary present ever.

Happy 6yrs and 7 mths Anniversary!
I love you lots and lots and lots.
We are a step closer to fulfilling our dream.

I'm in love with this guy. For those who are clueless as to who the hell this gorgeous looking man is, let me introduce you to...(drumroll..) STEVEN SABADOS! (claps.. wolfwhistles)

He is super talented. I watched reruns after reruns of the Designer Guys just to ogle at him hard at work. He seems like the nice, husband material kind of guy who can magically turn anything and everything into some kind of ornament, furniture and so on.. And did I mention that he looks yummilicious? He is..

Ermm.. is that a wedding band around his finger? Damn!

Kampong Life

I watched Kampong Life (project pilot) just now.
It was really hilarious looking at those city kids sweating it out in a kampong.
They were armed with bottles after bottles of insect repellent.
Despite all the complains, I think they did enjoy the experience.
And I was totally amazed by the attitude of 2 of the kids, Clarissa and Wallace.
They were game for pretty much everything!
So proud of them!

And talking about kampong, I'm missing my kampong right now.
Yes, it's totally different from Singapore.
But I love it down there.
Simple and laid-back.

And the first thing I'll do when I get my pay on Dec 12, is to buy a ticket to my kampung.
Balik kampung..ohh..ohhh..ohhhh..balik kampung...

Baby

I just found out that a good friend of mine is 2 months pregnant.
Congratulations! I'm so happy for you and hubby.
Can't wait to see little Feema & Raime. ;-P

No Monday Blues for me!

Today, I'm really proud of myself.
Let's see the things that I've done in the past 2 hours or so.

1) Finally completed and submitted my work review.
I was supposed to submit it to my Reporting Officer last week, but I concluded that since he's going to be away in Taiwan, why bother? So, for the whole of last week, up to this morning, I had the EPMS in my head. The fact that I still have not submitted it prevented me from enjoying my holidays fully. But now that it's done, I feel way better. So, my dear Mr T, go through the EPMS and give me the work performance bonus that I totally deserve! ;-P

2) Cleaned up my desk at work.
I'm normally a neat person. My colleagues will normally come over to my desk and gush at how neat and cosy my work space is. But Term 4 had been one hectic period. Exams, activities, invigilations and bla bla bla.. that it was hard to actually make time to clean up my area. I ended up piling papers after papers after papers on my desk. It was totally messy. Today, I finally summoned enough courage and determination to actually go through the mess and discard all the useless items that I've accumulated for the past 1 year. And now, my desk is as clean as when I first came to this school. (3 cheers for yati!)

3) I went to gather ALL the textbooks that I need for next year. I will start planning my lessons today (hopefully) The best part about teaching is that I get to plan wonderful (to me that is) lessons for my kids. Hey, I do take pride in my lessons ok!

So, to sum it up. I've had a good day at work. Why does it seems that I enjoy being at work more when the kids and other teachers are not around? Hmm..

Lastly, whatever unhappiness I feel about the engagement, I keep telling myself, what the hell..the most important thing is that I'm going to marry my darling at the end of it. I'm not going to let those people ruin it!

Pulau Buru, Karimun Indonesia

I miss Buru. The smell of the sea, the sight of thousands of stars glowing in the dark sky, the lazing around by the beach sipping on the unbelievably cheap coconut juice, surrounded by the very people I miss right now.

Let's sing...

I still think the song ALHAMDULILLAH (malay version) is the most beautiful song ever.
I get goosebumps whenever I listen to that song.


Click here for the lyric:
http://www.iloveblue.com/lirik_lagu/print_lirik_lagu.php?jenis=liriklagu&pid=4690

And the award goes to..

I received a certificate today at the staff retreat.
Nope, not some kind of teaching award... it's far from that.
I am officially the Best Cheat of the Mother Tongue Department.
Yup, you got that right. The Best Cheat.
Beat all of the at a card game..Bluff.
They said that I don't look like a cheater at all, but I won, didn't I? ;-P

Neways, as of NOW.. i am free of work!
One month of no marking, no screaming kids, no admin work, no waking up at 5.15 am, no Boy Jai, no running away from my HOD, nothing! YEAHHHHHH!!

I am a free woman.

One day after a totally terrific time together, we are back to our usual mindless, petty squabbles peppered by hurtful smses. Thats the way things will always be.

What a Day!

It's a looooooooong day for me.
O level invigilation for me in the morning, not that I complain cos I got to see that cute 18 year old guy again. I knew he's 18 cos I was the one who marked the attendance. Hahahha..

Then went to Compass Point to waste my 1 hour of break before proceeding to school. I've been dreading today. We were supposed to have some bonding activities followed by hi-tea at Traders Hotel. I don't mind the activities, it's just that I felt very tired having to do so many things in one day.

Everything was fine I guess. The paintball game was a new experience for me (almost all of us actually) and I really wanted to have another go at it. Wanted to do archery but a few of us ladies were attacked by these really impossibly huge and mean-looking ants. We ended up in the toilet frantically trying to get rid of the ants which by then had managed to climbed all the way up to our chests.

Food at the hotel was ok, the only bummer bein we had to do some reflections. Come on! Is this work or play? If you want us to play, let us play. As in really play!

I was totally exhausted when i reached home and it didnt help when I saw what a mess my room was. And that my maid didnt wash the baju that I'm supposed to wear tomorrow. I was really pissed.

My saviour. My little devils of Punggol. Nearly 20 of them ambushed my house and for nearly 1 hour or so.. I couldnt stop laughing. I love them! They are really my racun and my penawar.

I miss him. Does he miss me too?

All this talk abt getting engaged and subsequently, married..is making me terrified.
It's not that I DON't want to get married..hell, I've been thinking and dreaming about it for 6 years already.. but when it's really HERE.. I'm bloody terrified.
Whenever I think about it, I get this weird feeling in my stomach.
Why am I feeling this way?
I want to have babies.
I look at all infants/toddlers and start to yearn for one.
I want to be with Shahreil day in day out and grow old with him.
I still want to grow old with him.

Then why am i dreading this??

Dwibahasa

Marking compo can be really fun. Especially when you come across such phrases:

a) jika tuan di dalam kasut saya
b) pada tangan yang sebelah
c) terbalikkan daun yang baru
d) tunggu untuk aku
e) tingkap-tingkap 2000 (my favourite!)


SO, guess what they were trying to say..

a) If you are in my shoes
b) On the other hand
c) Turn over a new leaf
d) wait for me
e) windows 2000

I didn't know whether to cry or to laugh.
Well,I did laugh first actually..
I laughed and laughed and laughed..
And turned to my colleague and told her about it..
And we laughed and laughed and laughed.

Who ever said that marking compos is boring, is so wrong.

Quite true...In fact, VERY true.

You Are Likely a First Born

At your darkest moments, you feel guilty. At work and school, you do best when you're researching. When you love someone, you tend to agree with them often. In friendship, you are considerate and compromising. Your ideal careers are: business, research, counseling, promotion, and speaking. You will leave your mark on the world with discoveries, new information, and teaching people to dream.

The Birth Order Predictor

I came across this silly website with equally silly quizzes and games.

Tried this Birth Order Predictor where you have to answer several questions before they try to guess which child are you..first, second, third..bla..bla..bla..

So, I they did get mine correct. First born.

Quite amazing.

Life has its ups and downs..Mostly downs actually

I hate being betrayed by people whom I thought were my friends.
A wake up call for me.
There are no real friends in the workplace.

And I hate being the walking atm machine at home.
At this rate I will NEVER have enough money to get married.
So people at home, stop pestering me to get married.

But it's ok.
All these have made me a stronger person, I hope.
And I always tell myself..
Sesungguhnya aku berpuasa..

Marhaban Ya Marhaban

2nd day of Ramadhan.
I love the atmosphere at home.
As usual, we have our dinner on the floor instead of the dining table.

Amira thought that we cannot break wind during puasa. So, for the whole day yesterday, she tahan-ed kentut. Can you believe that?! Hahahha...how cute.

I miss Shahreil. During buka, I always think about him. I don't know why. The same sad feeling when he was in NS during the fasting months. Silly, I know. He's been out for a year already. But the sad feeling remains. I still start wondering whether he's having good food. Of coz he is! He's at home, and his mom is an excellent cook.

Less than 5 minutes ago, I found out that this guy whom I had a crush on way back during JC, is married with a 5 month old child.
I don't know why I'm even writing this down.
I guess it came as a shocker.
In my mind, he's still the good-looking, 18 year old soccer captain from YJC. heheheh..
But fast forward that to 2005.. he's actually someone's hubby and someone's daddy.

I'm old.

It's that time of the month. Again.
The cramps have not kicked in yet. But the mood swings are here.
I feel like snapping at everyone around me.
Poor people.
So, to get rid of all the bad vibes around me, I'm goin to clean up my room.
When everything is in order...I'll feel much much better. I hope.

I think my biological clock is ticking.. whatever that means.
I wan to have babies.. Hahha..dont laugh..
I really do.
It's weird really.
Only last year, i remember talking to Tetty about getting married and stuffs.
She told me that she wanted to get married cos she wanted to have a baby.
And i was like...huh?
ME.. I wanted to get married cos the idea of finding mak andams..hantarans..cincin..and all sounds so exciting.
But look at just how 1 year has changed me.
I want to have a baby of my own.
This sounds crazy, but every time i look at a pregnant woman, I'll be so envious of her.
Worse still if i see couples with their little tots.

I think I'm going crazy.
Hahahah..

Dirty Dancing

I watched a clip of the final dance scene in Dirty Dancing and I'm mesmerized by it.
The dance, the music, and of course, by Patrick Swayze.
I don't remember him looking sooo.. yummylicious.
I guess that's because, when I first watched Dirty Dancing, i was still in primary school and I had no raging hormones whatsoever.
But now, nearly 15 years later.. I looked at him in those tight black pants on that equally tight butt, slick dance moves that he executed to perfection..and of course, that bad boy look.. I fell in love. Never mind that by now he's old ..way to old in fact (he's the same age as my dad!), I'd like to remember him as that young, hot blooded, rebellious dance instructor. How i wished he's MY dance instructor!

I'm going to rent the movie tomorrow!

My grandparents held a kenduri today.
Basically it's for my aunt who's going off to Mecca in a few days time.
So, today, I want to talk about family. Specifically, my family.

I miss such family gatherings. I still remember the time when gatherings like that was very common. We had one almost every 2 months. And how I always looked forward to them.
I always see it as an opportunity for all of us, grandparents, uncles, aunts and cuzzies to get together and just enjoy each other's company.. And enjoy we did. Such occasions were always filled with laughters.
I loved being with all of them. We were all such happy-go-lucky people.. Unlike my dad's side of the family who are more serious, prim and proper.. these people were more open and sporting. We could joke with my uncles and aunties like old time friends.

But things changed. Just look at today. Not all the families were there. Lame excuses given. Can't they be more creative? Fall sick EVERY time there's a kenduri? Oh puh-leez!

I really HATE them for what they did to my parents. I hate them to the core! Brainless people with baseless and vicious accusations. They made me lose faith in family ties. Really. Sometimes I look at my siblings and think to myself, one day, they will turn against me like my mum's siblings turned against her. So, why bother being nice to them?

BUT I promised myself that I will not let my siblings have the same fate as my parents. No way.

I read something from the net today, and somehow it struck a chord with me.

Ingatlah orang yang memutuskan tali persaudaraan akan menerima laknat daripada Allah S.W.T.
Ketika Nabi berada di Arafah pada waktu Isyak bersama-sama sahabat, tiba-tiba beliau bersabda yang bermaksud:
Aku tidak menghalalkan siapapun yang pada petang hari ini dalam keadaan memutuskan tali silaturahim kecuali dia harus meninggalkan kami.
Dan yang jelas rahmat Allah tidak akan turun di tempat yang ada suatu kaum yang memutuskan hubungan silaturahim.

The point I'm trying to drive across is, Those people will have to answer to Allah for what they have done and said. And I am looking forward to that.

I Fought, but I Lost

A student of mine quit school yesterday.
When I first heard the news, I felt a sudden emptiness in my stomach.
Another student leaving. Another failure on my part.
I know I can't blame myself for my students' own foolishness.
I know I should heed Shahreil's advice and be like most of my collagues and just not care so much about these unthinking teens.
But I can't. I entered this profession because I cared enough. I wanted to make a difference in these young people's life. I wanted to help them.
And I tried to help in every single way.
I talked, I lectured, I scolded, I listened, I cared.
But it never seems enough.
And it hurts most when you've spent so much emotionally, but you still lost them in the end.

And I can't help thinking, maybe if I had done this or that a little bit more.. I could have stopped it from happening.

I don't know.
I'm beginning to lose faith.
And I pray that I will never turn to be one of those teachers who couldn't care less about their students.

I Not Stupid..just plain idiotic

I was an idiot yesterday.
That is weird because Diyana is the idiot in my family, not me.
Hehehhe..

But yesterday, I did things which were so idiotic that if there was a 'who-is-more-idiotic-diyana-or-pweety-me' contest, I'd definitely win hands down. I won't say what I did, but it involves a water bottle and hot pink bras from Blush.

It's a busy busy day for me today. I actually spent hours marking books after books after books. But at the end of it, I felt really proud of myself. And the fact that I've gotten rid of the piles of books on my table, makes me feel way better now.

Neways, let me let u have a glimpse of my 2nd home. My office, that is.

And yup.. I have lots and lots of slippers at work. Sometimes i wonder how they got there in the first place.

Monday blues..? None...

Shahreil sent me to school today.
He was at my void deck at exactly 6.30am.
I thnik this must be the 3rd time he sent me to school...and as always, I loved it.
Thanks dear, even though the real reason was because you wanted to get your i/c which you absent-mindedly gave me.. heheheh..
but who cares..I don't. The fact remains..you sent me to school today.

P.S: You look tempting in the morning too.

Fatty Bom Bom

I'm feeling fat now..
Arghh!!!

My Beautiful Week

It's a pretty happy week for me. On Wednesday, my sisters and I plus our dear cousin, Prebet Tiot suprised Lukman at his East Coast Park shop. There was so much laughter that I totally forgot that the next day is still a working day for me. I don't remember having so much fun for a very long time. I loved every minute of that outing. Suddenly I feel very alive again. I'm not the person who is so bogged down by her work anymore.

All of us made a promise that we'll do this every single week, whenever Tiot gets a chance to escape her 'Firaun'-like job. We truly deserve this. After being separated for so many years by the causeway..we truly deserve this. I think we've all missed each other's company.

Work was kinda smooth too for me. I think the reason was because I kept telling myself to take things easy. And not to get so worked up by the shits in school. I did that and hey! It certainly felt so much better.

The best thing for this week, is the news that someone special had for me. Nothing can beat that. See, I told you.. all those rejections and disappointments were for a reason. Now you've got something far better. And you deserve this. Words can't describe how happy i am for you. Congrats..congrats..congrats....

In Love

Longest Yard was wow!
And now, I'm in love with Adam Sandler.

What a Weekend!

I had a rather suprisingly busy weekend. In a good way kind of busy, though. It's good actually because it took my mind off the fact that I'm still in Singapore and not spending my very short 1 week break in Buru. Ok fine! I'll stop talking about Buru. Some people might just get sick at the very mention of Buru. Heheh.. But can't help it, I'm addicted to that place. Ok..let's see how I spent my weekend. Saturday morning, woke up real early to go back to school and clear my desk. Yup, my desk is reaaallii neat and tidy now. So proud of it, and the fact that I only took 1 hour to clear everything. Then, me and Ikin went round and round Marina Square and Suntec for I dunno what also. Ikin, hates crowd and also window shopping. So, she's not the best person to be with when you want to do some window shopping. She complained and complaind and complained. But then, she's the perfect gossip partner. Hahahha..So that was fun. I fell in love with this gorgeous top from MANGO. It's beautiful and definitely look real good on me. Hahhahaha... But seriously, beautiful beautiful beautiful. It'll make me look boobilicious. Shahreil would so love it. :-P But, the thing is, it costs $99. Can you imagine that? $99! I'm not the kind of girl that will think nothing of throwing $99 on one top, no matter how beautiful it is. I mean..$99 i s wayyyy to much for a top, don't you think. I dunno..I might just grab the top the next time I set my eyes on it anyways..

At Suntec, me and Ikin trooped all around the building trying to find Secret Recipe. I had Oreo Cheesecake and Ikin her Choc Mud. Yummy..






After Maghrib, me and family, minus the big boss decided to head down to East Coast to visit my cousin's shop. It's gonna close down next week anyway. Had total fun there. Mum and the lil'kids left around 11.30pm. The babes (me, Ikin and Diyana) decided to hang around and accompany Lukman till closing time at 2. We talked and talked and talked. Most of it crap anyways. Dark secrets were spilt, but we promised that 'biar pecah di perut jangan pecah di mulut'. So..I won't mention anything here. Heheh.. AT 2am, we decided to continue our chat at Mc Donalds in Tampines. We ate and chatted till 4 am. Wahhh... bergadang seyy..

Today, Awie and Erra got married. Not THAT Awie and Erra. Forget it, I'm too lazy to explain. That took half of the afternoon away. After that, me and Shahreil went to TM to just eat and eat again. Now both of us are feeling fat. Hahahhaha..

So, to sum it up.. I had a good weekend!

My Day Out with ShahGaJ

Another fun day out with the EllyFun.
A simple picnic at East Coast park.
He cooked me my favourite maggie goreng.
And i got him pizzas, garlic bread and beef bacon. His favourite foods.
We ended up lying on the breakwater, chatting and eating and chatting and eating and trying to guess what's the next plane that's goin to fly above us.
At times like this, I miss Phi Phi. And my dashed dreams of having a new life there.

I Thank God for Thee..

I thank Allah for blessing my life with:

a) A stressful, tiring and sometimes thankless job. Nevertheless, all these just make me all the more confident that it is indeed a noble job! The kids, they are the ones who make me feel like pulling my hair out, but they are also the ones that make me laugh and smile. Weird..

b) My family. Dad and Diyana missing from the pic. Pretty dysfunctional, yet happy.

c) YOU. You know who you are. The best that has ever happen to me. Looking forward to many more happy years with you. Insyallah.

The Reasons

I'm not sure what I'm going through right now. But it's certainly not good.
There's so much sadness and depression in me.
I wish I could be happier. For my sake and for the sake of others around me. Who love me and care about me and will not be happy to see me in this state.

Someone wise told me that Happiness is a state of mind. I'm sure it is. And I'm sure I have a choice in the way I feel about things. I think, I've been taking things for granted. I tend to look so much into what I DON'T have that I neglect the fact that there are so many wonderful things in my life that I just take for granted.

1) A happy family. True, having a family as huge as mine, there's not a day that passed without any quarrels..big or small. But it is a happy family. I didn't realise how lucky I am till I look at the state of some of my students' families. Very sad. So, there you go, I do love my family.

2) My job. Damn! This is one thing that has been making me depressed for the past few weeks..Hell! For the past 2 years, in fact! .. But then, this is in fact my childhood dream! Being a teacher! I've always wanted to teach and be the hottest teacher in school. And yup, not afraid to admit that I AM the hottest teacher in school. Hahahah..tak malu siakz.. And despite all the shits at work, I think, at the end of the day, I do love what I am doing.. moulding the future of our nation. Hahahhaha...

3) I have Shahreil. Even with all the shits in my life, he is the pillar of my strength. My sisters will gag at this, but it's true. I take him for granted sometimes.. We bicker all the time. Shout at each other, hurl insults and sarcasms.. But I am glad that I have him. I remind myself every now and then, how much I wanted him last time. (yeah.. hate to admit this, but I was the one who fall for him first. Damn!) How hurt I was when I thought he liked someone else. How badly I needed him. I count my blessings for having him here with me, after more than 6 years. And very much in love. And I'm just looking forward to the day where we will be united as husband and wife. Insyallah.

So, there you go. 3 wonderful reasons why my life is so much more meaningful than I ever thought it was. I thank you Allah for loving me enough to have me blessed with such wonderful things/people in life.

My 1 Week Break

Yup, it's my one week break..whatever that is left of it anyway..
Didn't have a good start though.
My plans of having my well-deserved rest in my favourite place with my favourite people (ok..Shahreil is my FAVOURITE FAVOURITE people..he's so high up there that he's not counted, so don't start getting jealous, mister!) was dashed..by my sister.
I don't want to go into it as I'm still kind of pissed and terribly sore at her.

I bawled my heart and eyes out when I realised that I am not going to Buru.
People may not understand it, thinks I'm crazy or petty or whatever..but they don't understand.
I've been looking forward to this trip, the idea of goin to Buru has kept me goin on for the past few weeks.
During those difficult days in school..juggling the MTL Week matters, admin stuffs and whatever things that those people up there felt like heaping on me.. I kept telling myself, this will be over soon and I will be resting in Buru, drinking freshly plucked coconuts by the sea.. eating seafood everyday and listening to dangdut at full-blast like its nobody's business.. The kind of things that will keep my mind off work. And I'm telling you, i really need that. I think about work 24/7. Even now, even in my sleep I dream of work. It's crazy, believe me.

I was then in my normal pessimistic mode. I locked myself in the room staring into space and wishing that this holiday would be over, as I know it WILL be over sooner or later anyway, so that i can get back to my normal, hectic, overworked life.

But then, i realised, with Shahreil's help that is.. and my horoscope from LIFE section of the ST (it really struck a chord!) that I can't just let this holiday pass just like that. I should enjoy it. I fucking deserve this.

So, I'm quite adamant in having fun. I had fun with Shahreil last night. It was so full of laughter. All silly laughters that I missed so much. He kept saying that I havnt been laughing as much since i started work. It's true... It's not that he's not funny anymore or I'm not having fun with him anymore..It's just me. Sometimes I don't even have the energy to laugh.. But yesterday I was laughing so hard. It was so much fun.. Silly fun. I love him. I know that you all know that, but I'm saying it again anyway.. I LOVE SHAHREIL BIN BAKRI.

Today, I'm going to have a picnic. Going to bring food and all. Quite excited. I love picnics..not him though, so it's kind of suprising that he suggested having one.

Tomorrow, I'm goin clubbing with my sisters and my cousin.. Look how it goes right.

Well, all in all..things should be fine.

i wish he'd meet me instead of going for soccer.
but then again, what the hell.

i've got a splitting headache.
fuck!

Teacher's day

And i forgot to add..
teachers day celebration was splendid.
well, i deserved it..
ALL teachers deserve it.
once a year, students treating you like you are the king and queen..

i got presents.. a huge teddy. nearly 3/4 my size..from my 2E girls.
cards and sweets..even from Khairi..that little rascal..hahahah...and i appreaciate that.
a handmade card from my dear zim

and the most special.
shahreil suprised me with a bouquet of flowers! half a dozen of daisies...different coloured.
i love the fact that he could sense my growing tiredness of boring roses and is getting me diff kinds of flowers ..
i love him for celebrating teachers day wih me
i love him
he's the one that has made all these shit and stress at work bearable.
i love him so much that it hurts sometimes.

i love you, shahreil.

A hellish Week

The past 2 weeks have been a hell of a roller coaster ride... more downs than ups, that is.
It was the hardest 2 weeks of my working life... and my working life is not that simple to begin with.

I think, mainly because it's is afterall term 3.
and term 3 is the like the worst term..try asking other teachers.
things are like going so crazy at work.
everything piling up on top of you that you can barely breathe.
and speaking of breathe..last week, whenever i think about work, specifically about the MTL Week.. i couldnt breathe. Yup, it's THAT bad.

anyways..back to my horrible 2 weeks.

work was piling..meetings after meetings, and i still see no point for those..
i had to fight with other teachers for students' time after school.
i had to plan and plan and plan and plan for the MTL Week.

The MTL Week thingy was the worst.
The exhibition, the concert, the traditional games fair!
And I'm i/c of everything!
partly my fault, cos i didnt delegate the jobs to the rest of the ML teachers.
well, its just not me to ask others to do stuffs.. but now, i learn that i HAVE to delegate the tasks..if not, i'm the one having anxiety attacks during MTL Week.

but..all things being said..
i guess everything went well and i'm kind of proud ..and glad, of course, that i did it..

the exhibition went well...students were flocking the stalls..especially my tepak sireh and bunga rampai and all..
cos genius me purposely gv all ML students a compulsory quiz sheet that they had to fill in before the exhibition.hehehe..
but i think, those kids were truly interested in the stuffs at the end of it.
teachers came, even canteen vendors and school cleaners came to look at our xhibit and asked the students questions and were very happy when they got to take the bunga telur and bunga rampai foc.
you sld see the smiles on those wrinkled faces.
and this pakcik cleaner even recite a pantun for the kids..
and dear makcik maznah gv an impromptu 'talk' on sireh..

the concert..this was the one that was killing me!
a concert, is a big thing..unlike the exhibition
the worse that cld happen with an exhibition is that no one comes to visit..
and who actually cares.? nobody, really..
but a concert.. fuck that up and it'l be a fodder for gossip..
everyone impt will witness it..the P, VP, HODs, other teachers.
and i was going crazy..i mean, rehearsals were like shit..
and on the real day itself, my co-i/c was on mc.
so, i'm the one running the show..so anything happens..its my ass..

i nearly broke down the day before the concert.
hell! i was exhausted.

but thankfully, everythin went smoothly on the actual day.
the P even said that it was splendid. (3 cheers for yati)
it's a gd feeling..

and today, the malay traditional games fair..
it was ok, considering the fact that it wasnt really planned out.
i had fun with the kids, competing in congkak and stuffs...
small but i guess a few kids learnt a few things..

*phew*
i deserve this break!

Standard of Living

Sometimes I wonder..why the heck are we all working so hard for?
To improve our standard of living?
So we work our asses off to get a better job, a better position, a better pay..
And then we have to work harder, times 2 or 3 or 4..and it goes on and on and on.
And after all being said, are we happier?
Does our standard of living gets better?
As compared to my dear relatives back at the village, whose office hours are from 9am-1pm.. WEEKDAYS. Let me repeat that.. WEEKDAYS.
Granted, their pay is way way lesser than ours.. but enough to live simply but comfortably over there.
SO, is my standard of living better than theirs?
AM i supposed to be happier than them?

Lately, the answer is no.

I just don't understand why I am so unhappy these days.
EVERY single day.
What's wrong with me?

Thank You

Oppss..

I forgot to add one very important message to one exceptionally important person to me.

To My Dearest Shahreil~

Thank you Soooo Much for taking the time in re-doin my blog.
I'm the idiot and you are the genius in such computer, IT stuffs.
See..? We are made for each other.

I LOVE YOU.
*muackz*

My Lazy Saturday

I woke up at 10a.m today.
That's a luxury for me who always wake up at 5.15am every weekday..
And it felt totally wonderful.. no silly hp alarm to wake up to..
No kids or parents at home to disturb my peaceful slumber..
But i woke up every half an hour from 6.30am, feeling guilty about waking up late.
I had to talk myself into going bed to bed as I totally deserve this sleep.

I'm actually in the middle of cleaning up my room.
Weekends are for me to clean my room.. As in TOTALLY clean..
dust..sweep..mop...EVRYTHING..the works.
Its like therapy to me.
Cleaning up the mess..be it my room or my office space..is like therapy to me.
Sort of getting rid o all the bad karma of the past week and getting ready for a new week.
So.. it's kind of a necessary weekly ritual.

Guess..I'll get back to work rite now.

Seventy Five

To my dearest Nurhayati,

Happy Big 75th Month Anniversary!

Love,
Your dearest...

MTL Week

Í'm a nervous wreck right now.
I'm in-charge of the Malay Cultural Week and there's still 2 more weeks to go b4 D-day.
And I'm very nervous that sometimes I couldnt even breathe when i think about it.
Crazy, i know..
But I hate being in-charge of such things..
I mean..things can go wrong somewhere..anywhere..
and i know that there are people out that who's just waiting for that to happen.
i think after 2 years in my school..i know what kind of colleagues i have.

Well..its ok..
I think i'll be fine..
Pray for me.

Lately, i have this sinking feeling inside of me.
Maybe it's brought about by the stress at work.. the unhappiness I'm feeling with life.. I have no idea what..
But I'm starting to feel that I really don't belong here.
Not here in SIngapore.. not this era at least.
I'm so unhappy with things.

Maybe I beling in Buru.. I dunno.. in a kampung..where life is simple..laid back..
I smile to myself whenver I'm reminded of how carefree it is in Buru.
The simple pleasures of going from one house to one house..all of which belongs to some relative of yours. . . Goin to the beach which is right in front of your house whenevr u feel like it...

I'm not specifically talking abt Buru..it could be anywhere, but here.
I guess going to Buru triggered this feeling.

I dunno.
I hate this.

Zombie

Its here again.
My feelin too-lazy-to-go-to-work syndrome is back.
I just realised something.. this syndrome only surfaces whenever it's the middle of te term..
Yup. Its true. The first 2-3 weeks of the term, i'm all upbeat and energetic.
Come the 4th .. I'm walking around like a zombie.
I am walking like a zombie nowdays. There isnt any more spring left in my walk.
I drag myself around with a slouch.
I feel old. I feel my bones cracking.
Damn, I'm only 25. How come it feels like 52?

Nvm..5 mores weeks to go..
5 long weeks.

Shittiness all ard me

I'm going ard with this bad feeling in my tummy. No. I'm not having a stomachache.
It's just things ard me.
It feels like shit.

First, well..the aini incident. My own sister secretly took my atm frm my purse and withdrew $50 frm my acct. Fuck! Talk about family and trust. I was so angry yesterday when i found out wat happened that i refused to come home, in case I coulndt control my anger and bashed her up or something. Yes! For once, i really feel like doing that to her. After all the shits that she has done, this was the worst. I'm totally disgusted. I mean.. i can stand her taking small changes from our wallets..even 2-20 dollars... but stealing my ATM to WITHDRAW money? I have this intention of bringing her to the police station just to teach her a bloody lesson.

What i'm more pissed off with is the fact that my dad, who said that he'll settl this thing today, is not doing anything abt it. We;ll see what happens.

Second, the austin. I thought he was a friend. Whatever flaws he has, I've always tried to see the good in him. I always try to see the good in people. (except Siti Nurhaliza, hahah) But look where that has brought me. I can stand his silly mouth shooting out nonsense all the time. But yesterday was the limit. I really couldnt stand him putting down Shahreil like dat. It started out simple enuff. Him asking what Shahreil bought me for my bday. And he added, "nothing i supposed"cos he tot that Shahreil being jobless and all cldnt afford to buy his gf a single present. I told him that he bought me an mp3 player. and he straight away said things like how stupid of shahreil of buying me things like that and wasting money when he sld be saving up for our wedding and stuff. He refused to see the positive side that althou my bf might not hv that much money, he was still willing to spend whateve he has to buy me a nice little present. Its not as if he does it every single day. its my birthday for godsake! He was being a jerk, judging shahreil while not knowing and undersatnding his situation. FUCK HIM!

The way i see it, he has a low self-esteem, and to make himself feel better, he has to put others down. I've noticed that for years. He likes to bad-mouth all the malay mats in singapore, saying that they r good-for-nothing and all. But look at him. how desperately he wants to be part of the 'mat' groups. during sec sch, he tried to wiggle his way into the 'malays' groups.. most of which rejected him.. u see the irony there? him hating malay guys but wanting so much to be part of them.

Whateva it is, what he thinks of shahreil and me. Our relationship or Shahreil, for that matter, deosnt matter at all. Who cares? He doesnt noe shit and doesnt hv the rite to judge us. So, once again, fuck him. As simple as that.

Finally ok

I thank God that I'm well again.. ermm..althou not 100%, but it's definitely better than the past few days where I'd spent my day popping pill s and sleepin. At least, I was well enough to enjoy a day out with Shahreil.

Talking about Shahreil... something's bothering him. I can sense it. He admitted it anyway. He's cranky. Maybe it's the joblessness thingy. Wish I can do something. It hurts me to see him that way.

Okies.. i need to go bathe and then sleep..AGAIN.

Thanks

I'd like to thank Shahreil for the 2 'bestest' days that I had for the holidays.
2 solid days of bein with him from morning till night... FUNTASTIC. It was so good that now I'm having a post-beingwithshahreil syndrome.

PMS

Its that time of the month where its best for people to stay as far away as possible from me.
Its that time of the month where my boyfriend dismissed ever single complains, sulks, cries, tempers from me as my "hormones talking".
Its that time of the month where I just feel like crying for I-dunn0-what-the-hell-for-but-i-really-want-to-cry.
Its that time of the month where I'd laughing and singing along to the dangdut songs on my PC at one moment and feeling like shit and want to cry again at the very next minute.
Its that time of the month. And it sucks.

May the Force be With YOU

Today was a good day.
I was looking forward to my date with Shahreil.

Nearly spoil it thou.. the first part.
Well...i was all dressed up... I was in a dress up mood today..in fact, i'm always in a dressy mood..
so, when i saw him at the void deck in SLIPPERS(!) i freaked out!
As in..i-so-pissed-off freaked out.
The way i see it.. I took a lot of effort in dressing up for him..and i wanted him to do the same thing for me.
I felt like i wasn't important or special anymore..that he wouldnt even bother to wear shoes instead of sandals.
SO..i did what i always do..sulked and showed tantrums..even wanted to go home and change to t-shirt or something.
I sulked all the way during the journey...had all kinds of unhappy conversations with myself in my own head..hehehhe...
but luckily, by the time we reached Orchard, I had cooled down.
Mainly due to the fact that i realised that he TOOK the effort to fetch me all the way from home..and back to Orchard.
I was being a bitch, being unfair to him to sulk because of his dressing.
Anyway..who cares(i told myself) I love him all the same..with or without proper shoes.
And i must admit..Shahreil has never ever told me what to or not to wear. Unlike some other guys i met.. who irritatingly, told me what they would like me to wear, even though i'm not their girlfriend.
So, after telling myself all these...I decided to drop the issue.
Anyway, i was determined to have a good time with him today.

And we did have a good time.
Took the train to city hall to have muddy mud pie.
Then ate at BK...where we had a nice long chat.
We went to HMV where we had a fun time taking turns choosing dvds.
Well, shahreil had this thought( he ALWAYS comes up with such ideas) that what dvds will we buy ifwe have 1K. So, we started taking turns choosing titiles off the racks. 15 dvds each.
A silly but good fun.

Watched STAR WARS..reluctantly.
I was forced to watch, i must say.
But it was good. Damn! He is always right about movies.
The only thing is that, my back ached. I always have backaches when my period is coming. So i guess it is coming. Anyway, that took half the enjoyment away.
But it was a good movie. And i couldt wait for Shahreil to get the $250 'toy'. I wanna play with it..no matter how violently might object. I am afterall a shahreholder!.

there's no words to describe how sad i am. Sad seems like an understatement. It was just a simple wish.. chat with my loved one. And that caused an argument. Silly me.

Widad

I read a novel yesterday. Well, it's been quite some time since i last read a Malay novel but last night, out of boredom, i took a book out of my sister's drawer. She had borrowed it from the library.

And guess what? I read it from like like 1030pm to 430am! minus the 1 hour plus that i spent talking to shahreil. It was one of the most wonderful novels that i've ever read! I dont remember crying that much while reading a book! And i couldnt even bring myself to stop reading although it was already 4.oo in the morning!

The title of the book is Hati Yang Luka by Norhayati Berahim. It's about this woman called Widad. The story began with her in Sweden. She had just completed her Masters and was contemplating on whether she should return to her homeland (in this case, Malaysia) It was quite obvious that something was stopping her from returning home although she really missed her parents. However, fate brought her back.

It's a long story, but to cut it short..she had to marry her ex-fiancee. Yes! Her ex-fiancee. They were engaged for 2 years before she broke it off and left for Sweden. Apparently, the guy was a bossy, self-centred and egoistic person. Widad's parents used to work for his family. Her dad was the driver..and her mum was the maid. In fact, Widad grew up in the Datuk's and Datin's household. And she grew up with the guy..Raof. The families were close and their parents decided to pair them up. Reluctantly, Raof, who believed that Widad is beneath him, agreed. Anyway, after 2 years in that loveless engagement, Widad left.

She married Raof because of some complicated issue... but not before she made Raof to sign an agreement whereby he'd divorce her once everything has been settled. So, for 2 years..they lived as husband and wife. She's suffering of course, not physically, because Raof would never hurt her. But mentally and emotionally. Raof is totally a heartless guy who shoots off his mouth without even considering what Widad feels. Widad, being Widad, just kept it inside her..

So..the story basically revolves on Widad... I'm totally amazed by how strong she is. I mean..outside..she's sweet, soft and seems to be ever obliging. But inside..she's on strong woman. She took everything in her stride and just do what she thinks is right for her family. She always put others before her. And she's a ;ady with very strong principles. Sadly though, reading about her only make me realise that I am not even half as good a person as she is. Shahreil will be angry at me. He'd say that I'm being my negative self. Well, maybe. But truly..I'm not like Widad. Nowhere near.

i feel like crying..or throwing a tantrum..or shouting at the innocent around me.
I have no idea why.

The day was supposed to be a fun-filled one. Breakfast with my love, and spending the whole day with him. Alas, i should have learned from past experiences that when i expect too much of something, i will be disappointed. And i was.

But it was ok. Although i was seething with anger throughout the journey. i tried to calm myself. Cos i know somehow, everything will be twisted around..and I will be the bitch. As usual.

And it got better when he bought me a big bar of choc (fruit n nut..my fav). I didnt want to spoil the day. It was ok. We had a good lunch(on him) and caught a good movie... the movie was suprisingly good. Too many asian horror stories have let me down..so i wasnt expecting much from this..but it was good. I was spooked. but then, i get spooked easily..

Anyway, back to my date. It was a nice date...but somehow, it wasn't enough. It's just not enough nowdays. I want MORe. More excitement..somehow everything was so normal and so...typical. Eat..movie..walk around..and then eat again cos we are bored and dunno what else to do...and then go home. Every single day is the same.

I want different things. Thats why i've been asking him to go out with me at 6am..go hiking or walking ard to nice eating places to have our breakfast. Find a new spot to eat. I think that'd be lovely. Then, watch the sunrise or something. Then go cycling...or play badminton..or go build sandcastles..or go to treetop walk or.. go ubin..or swimming..or fucking anything@!

I want to cry so badly. I want to shout so badly. I wish he'd understand. he wouldnt. He's so contented witht he way things are. no matter how boring US have been. I'm fucking sad! i want him to understand. i am so sad. I've been so looking forward to this june holidays to do so many things with him. but the way things are..it'll be the same boring days.. all the way till school reopens...

i want to cry.

I'm a happy person these days. Most probably due to the fact that it's a 1 month vacation for me. I really need it. A lot.

Suddenly, i'm back to the happy person that I was. No worries at all. Friday was nice. Shahreil sent me to MacRitchie for the X-country. It meant a lot to me. The fact that he voluntereed to send me. Him, waking up at 6. Travelling all the way to Tampines..and all the way to MR. And he fetched me when all was over. I didnt know how to express my appreciation at all. I said thank you. But that seemed soo.. small.

I spent the day at his house. Being a baby-sitter to those kids. Heheheh..I loved every minute! Didnt even mind when he left me to go for his friday prayers...or when he slept for 2 hours straight! I had a lot of fun that day. And i already miss those two kids.

Saturday was nice too. Me and Ikin decided to treat the family out to dinner. Weird, since I have barely enough money to last me till my next pay day. But the happiness that I felt, that my parents felt ..was way more important..and meaningful. It was a happy occassion. All 9 of us marching out to street 11. Talking and laughing... getting stared at by those people in the vehicles. The dinner was nice and suprisingly cheap. We bought durians on the way home.. knowin that all of us were coughing like mad the whole week. Ate the durian infront of the tv watching the malay comedy. It was heaven. Times like these are precious to me. Being with my family.

Anyway, back to shahreil. I love him. A lot. Sometimes it hurts. Like saturday, the love i was feeling inside was so overwhelming that it was scary. Cos i know that something will happen to burst the bubble of happiness that i was in. It always happen that way. But so far, i'm still happy. I want to grow old with shahreil. I think that's the most wonderful thing.

A Dream Come True

Today is a happy day.
It started out like any normal day.
Woke up at 515..reluctantly dragged myself out of the bed...bathed..got ready..
heard the 6am chime...rushed out of the house...afraid that i'll miss the bus, which for some reason, has been arriving at 6.04 instead of 6.09.

so..i was rushing down the stairs..struggling to take out my ezlink and folding my umbrella at the same time..
once i reached the void deck..i saw this guy at the carpark.. took me a while to register who he was..
Heheheh... and my heart actually skipped a beat when it finally dawned on me that it was HIM. heheheh..
It was HIM at my void deck at 6am!

U noe, my horoscope yesterday said that I'd meet someone out of the blue or sumthing..someone i havent met for a long time..and i wouldnt know how to react.
And that was what exactly happened today with him.

I got a real good hug..
I can still feel the hug.
Its nice and warm.

He wanted to send me to school..but guess what happened?
his bike died on us..Hahahah..
That was funny somehow (not to him of course)
and so he sent me by bus.
my dream of him sending me off to school (by bus, that is) came true today. WOW!
Always imagined how love it'd be if he could be with me during my bus rides..
And it was lovely!
And finally, my dream of being with him on that bridge came true.
My bridge.
U know, its such a lovely sight on the bridge, but nobody ever stopped to actually enjoy the view..
Silly.
But today, i got to share it with him.
Nice..
Change that..FANTASTIC.
I feel so contented being with him there.. walking hand in hand.. enjoying the lovely morning sight.

He had a gift for me. Prata. Cooked by him. With love, of course.
And on the cover, he wrote,
"To Yati, 6 years today I lay my eyes on you. I fell in love.. From Shahreil"
Isnt that the sweetest thing u've ever heard before?!
Well, i dont care about you! It IS the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

I was grinning from ear to ear, eating that prata.
It was nice and crunchy.
Love it.

He fell in love when he laid his eyes on me 6 years ago.
heheheh. Do u know that?
I bet not.
Anyway..it wasnt love at first sight for me..simply because..when i first saw him..i culdnt SEE him..
i wasnt wearin any contact lenses that day..hahahhaha
It was all very blur..
Until he came closer and i like what i saw..
Love you darling.

It was 6 years ago.
It was a special day.

Happy 6th Year First Date Anniversary.

I've decided to do my result analysis tomorrow. Why?
Simply because, silly me has left the data that i needed in school. What an idiot. I took the trouble to copy the files from teacher's sharing to my thumbdrive..and i forgot to bring home the papers that has all the data i need. Thats me, silly.

Its ok. I think i'll manage to complete everything by tomoro. Anyways, suddenly, while i was staring at the reslt analysis folder about 5 mins back, i realised i'm not sure to as what i'm supposed to do.
Fill in data for MY classes?? or the classes that i marked? I dunno! ok... i'll clarify everything with Sunarti tomoro. talking about work, one of my colleagues has been rather cranky these few days. Dunno why.

And i hav to withdraw another precious 1.5K frm my OCBC. My mum needs it to pay for my sister's school fees. *sigh* What to do? I have no idea..The downside of being the 'rich' eldest sister. I've lost count of how much exactly do people owe me. I dont bother to count..better not to. What i dont remember wont hurt.

Well, here's a checklist of what I'm going to do today, 10th May 2005.

1) Write a new entry for my blog while waiting for school to start.
Well, here i am.

2) Go to class for invigilation. I hate invigilations. Why? Cos it's SO boring. I get mental block everytime i have to do invgilations. Ok, get this. I have to invigilate 2 classes..1/3 and 1/4. If it is a 1 half hour paper, i have to be in each class for 30 mins. That means.. 1 hour straight of standing.. (sitting is not encouraged because 'we will not be able to see what our kids are up to') Can't even read or do anything else except to observe the kids who are either too busy struggling with their papers or else sleeping...or fidgeting...or staring back at you cos they are as bored as you are. Time really passes by extremely slow when its invigilation time. It feels like you are standing there for eternity. So, i pass my time having silly imaginary conversations in my head. Hahahhaha... Now i know why my teachers used to walk up and down the row during exam time. Its not because they are trying to ensure you are not cheating, they are just afraid they'll fall asleep if they stood still for the whole 1 hour or so. Now i know..hehehhehe...

Anyways.. there's two papers today..History will be 40 minutes of invigilation per class..meaning..80 minutes..*sigh* and then DnT paper will be 20 minutes per class, meaning.. 40 minutes..120 minutes in total of staring into space. But then, I'm not going to complain because IT IS better than teaching. Heheh..So, well..a no-brainer activity is fine with me.

3) Maybe i should start doing my marker's report today. Ok..ok..i should do it today. No maybes..or else, tetty will be after my neck soon.

4) I can go home early today. Exam finishes at 11.30. Can't remember whether i can go home right after that or I have to wait for 1pm. Hmmm... But then, so what if i can go home early. Nothing to look forward to. My bed maybe. I'm sleepy. Can't go anywhere else. I'm a pauper today. No money. Only 25 bucks and a few coins to my name. 20 in POSB, which i'd use later to top up my ezlink..and the 5 bucks for emergency needs. Ermm... can't even do anything else. Thought of asking Fati or feema out to lunch or dinner or anything..but no money. Pathetic..
Can't wait for friday when i'll be richer by another 2K at least. hehehhe...Friday..friday...

Sounds pathetic for a teacher right..? Its not that bad lah... the 25bucks is what i hv got left to SPEND for the rest of 2 or 3 days.. I do have savings in my OCBC account..thats the more important one. Been trying to save up for my engagement or wedding..But then..what the hell? If that card is with me right now, I'll use up evry single cent that i have in that account since i'm not going to have an engagement anymore. Fuck. Ok..i lied. I can't use every single cent cos i have to have a minimum amount of $500 in that account.

5) Internet.
I will be at home downloading songs. It's my latest hobby. When i say latest, i meant, as of yesterday. heheh...

Ok.. Thats today from me...

Kingdom of Heaven

I was iniatially very hesitatant to watch the movie. Well, simply because i found out that it was about Christianity vs Islam in some kind of war a thousand year ago. I was afraid that since most probably it'll potray Christianity in a positive light and since I'm looking from THEIR perspective.. I'll unconsciously be rooting for them to win the war. And thats wrong.

But, I went ahead to watch the move, for a few reasons.. first, of course..who could resist Orlando Bloom in that kind of period movie welding a sword and all.. second, Shreil convinced me that we should just watch it for the sake of the 'árt' and forget all the religious issues at hand. Third, I just love those kind of movies..(remember Gladiator, Patriot, Braveheart and LOTR) Its MY kind of movie..though I'll always end up crying which I absolutely hate. Lastly, Orlando Bloom in a knight suit, welding a swood, long hair, broody.. or have i mentioned that? Right. I did. Orlando Bloom.

It would have been a total waste if I didnt go. It was a fantastic movie. I love it. Absolutely. I was impressed by the fact that whoever made the movie was able to make it in a way that it didn't somehow potray either religion as the 'bad guy'. You know, how Hollywood likes to stereoype 'óthers' (Chinese, Japanese, Russians, GErmans) as the bad guys. They are the only good nes around in this world. And since this is THEIR movie and its about Christianity and Islam.. I thought for sure they'd potray the Muslims as a barbaric lot or something. But they did not.

That was good. The message that they tried to put across is ( what I think, that is) that WHAT in th world are we fighting for? Why must there be bloodshed? Basically, like what all those Miss Universe contestants would day.."WORLD PEACE" Seriously. World Peace. Thousands and thousands died. For what? They fought for what they believed in. I respect them for that. They were willing to die for they beliefs. Both sides. It hurts to see how hard the Christians tried to defend the walls of Jerusalem (or rather, the people BEHIND the walls) and it hurts me more to see fellow Muslims to died fighting in the name of Allah s.w.t. They fought for WHAT they believe in. WOW. I TOTALLY TOTALLY respect them for that.

But then, I'm not a person who'd advocate war or anything like that. I'm the direct opposite. I'm a peace loving kind of person. I always wonder why can't we all live in peace and harmony? What is SO DAMN difficult about THAT! You do your own business and leave others to do theirs. Is that difficult? Why must you fight over land? Why must you kill each other? I still dont understand that. Why must people of different race or religion go to war. To defend THEIR religion? I'm talking in circles right now cause I'm thinking in circles. I'm desperately trying to make sense of things here. Of Life.

Somewhere in the movie mentioned something like..ermm.. what does God wants? Something along the line. And the answer was like... a person who does good. Its as simple as that. You do good things. I'm sure, all that God want from us is very simple.. for us to do good. Use our mind and our heart to do good. DO GOOD. SIMPLE. Not go around trying to claim our lands.. killing one another... Just do something good in our daily lives. As simple as that. Why can't they get it?

Things like those people taking hostages and cutting off their necks like their somekind of sacrificial lambs.. Is that good? I dont think so. What are they fighting for? The religion. Yes. But WHAT exactly? How can those actions actually help the religion or most importantly the believers of the religion? What good will come of slaughtering innocent people. Normal people .. at the wrong place and wrong time. Is that GOOD? Does that make one a hero or a better believer in the eyes of God? As compared to ordinary people like me.. who, in our own simple ways..try to make the world a better place. Me, trying to change the life of my students to be more meaningful, better. Me who stays back after school to talk and solve the problems of my students. In God's eyes.. who is better? The person who is brave and willing to die for the religion by suicide bombings..or plain me who is trying to 'make a difference in other people's life'? I have no idea. I wouldnt know the answer until THE DAY comes. The day where all our deeds and misdeeds will be evaluated and we'll be rewarded/punished accordingly.

Someone told me early in the morning that he hoped that I'd have a fun day today. Well, maybe I will..maybe not. But I'm going around with a heavy heart. And when the heart is heavy, it is hard to have a fun day.

I had a tiff with Shahreil again yesterday. What's new..you may ask.. Hehehe..We argue all the time that sometimes I really wonder why we are still together. I'm still trying to figure out the dynamics of a relationship. That sounds so scientific huh. Hahah... In simpler words.. what is a good relationship? If two persons are so in love..why do they argue all the time? If love is so wonderful and can make you laugh like there's no shit at all in your life, then why can they hurt you so much? Its all a big question in my head. A heavy heart and a heavy head. Fuck. Luckily I'm not that heavy..( hey..I'm 47kg now ok!~)

Me and Shahreil. We are so different. In looks of course...I'm the more good-looking version.. he has big ears while i have big ermm...big..nvm.. He has a JLo butt..mine looks like errmm.. Ally McBeals'?? I have a degree..(Hah! I win this one!) But he always beat me at boggle and scrabble and who wants to be a millionnaire..(But ITS ME who has the bloody piece of paper that states that I'm a bloody graduate!)

Other than that.. we have different perspectives of EVERYTHING else.
I want to ride a huge, tonggek, flashy bike but he's happy with his little vespa.
I want to be romanced and he thinks its Romen. (which is of course different even though the word romen came from romanced)
I want to have lots and lots and lots of money in the bank..but he thinks that money is to be spent and no use getting stressed up when you have not much savings even though you have worked for like 3 years.
I want to keep a kitten as a pet. He doesnt want to.
I want to live in Punggol. He wants to stay near Alif.
I want to go Buru. He hates Buru.
I want to watch mindless action movies with endless fightings and explosions. He wants to watch arty farty movie which sometimes drive me nuts.
I want us to still dress nicely when we go out and he doesnt care how we look like.. slippers, sans makeup, dishevelled hair..anything.
I like to talk as in TALK. He likes to do nothing together.
I'm a morning person. He is an owl.
My life revolves around HIM. His life around Alif and whoever is there at Alif.
I like to have long conversations on the phone. He likes to call and ask how are u and put down.
I like to settle arguments right there and then. He wants to have space to cool down.

See.. we are two very different people.

It was a wonderful weekend for me.
Sort of regretted that i didnt follow my mum and sisters to KL, but well... i had a wonderful time right here in Singapore.
Saturday, was nice. I got to witness Bunchit & Nisha's akad nikah. How sweet. But it wasnt as touching as the time Shai n Gindon got married..or Kak Shireen and Abg Faisal (though they r now officially divorced) MAybe it's because I dont really know them that well. So.. i wasn't reduced to tears or anything.

Sunday ws nice too. In fact, it was a fantastic day! I got to spend the whole day with my love. From the weddings to his house..to the chalet. Every single moment was like wonderful. I especially love the part where we were at the chalet. Felt so much like I'm part of the family, or most importantly, his wife. Heheheh.. Had a wonderful time playing boggle.. haven't touched that thing in like a million years..No wonder I was the worst! Hahahhaha... But it was fun. I'd like to thank my love's family for making me feel so much like one of them. Evevn that muncung girl is starting to warm up to me.. Heheheh.. Thats nice. What an achievement! I just can't wait to marry him .. and then..i'll be able to stay overnight and not drag myself home like i did yesterday. Or..I've got a better idea..then me and him, can go home (his house).. which is obviously empty and engage in the noisiest and violenest(?) lovemaking session all night long. Hahahahhaha...

I love you Shahreil Bin Bakri.

he lifted me up
and then he threw me down

Nothing seems to go my way today.
Its downhill from here..

Hello.
Its me again.
I should be asleep now, but I can't
I ate fedac, hoping that it'd work its wonders on me again tonite, but so far, i'm still wide awake.
Someone told me before it's all in the mind.
Never wanted to agree with him cos well..i just like to disagree with whatever he say.. but i guess he's right. He's always right about almost everything and i'm the one with the degree...Bah! Useless.

My state of mind. No good.
Its the worst ever in 24 years and errmm..10 months.
I'm going around with this empty feeling in my stomach and extra heavy heart.
Never know it can actually really feel empty in the stomach and really heavy in the heart.
Now i know..

Pain.
I keep thinking about pain.
Somehow its indescribable. The pain.
And I wish and wish it's sumthing more physical.
Really wish that i can hurt myself physically so as to channel all my the pain from the heart to the bodily pain. Understand?
I'd rather fall off the stairs like i did last year.. it hurt like hell u noe..the whole flight of stairs..
I'd rather fall off ten more flights of stairs.
Or step on more pieces of glass..like did also last year.
U get my drift.
I'd rather have the physical pain.

This pain, i can't endure any longer.
I'going crazy.
Nothing else seems to matter anymore.
Monday tomorrow. Have nothing after school. So?
Next weekend will be a long weekend. So?
I bought a new pair of shoe and a nice piece of top. So?
So ?
So?
So?
Nothing matters anymore.

I'll be wearing a blouse that i've bought a long time ago but will only wear it tomoro. So?
I have a new piece of gossip. So?
I have found the Ayu Azhari nude pics. So?

Everything is so unnecessary now.
Who do i share all these with?
No one.

Its me now. On my own. And i forget how to be on my own.
I remembered this story.
About this monkey in Buru.
What do u call baby monkeys?
I dunno.
Anyway, this monkey was brought up by my family n Buru since it was a newborn.
It was bottle-fed and all.
When it was abt a few years old, it left in search of his natural habitat and maybe friends of its own kind.
But, sadly, within a few days, it died.
It died of hunger cos it didint know how to look for food.
Its own kind attacked him cos...i dunno ..

Anyway. It died. Couldnt survive being on its own.
Dunno why i suddenly thought of the monkey.
But poor monkey.
It had a name. Should ask my mum tomoro.

I am rambling,arent i?
heheh.. Ok, I'll stop now.

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow.
Nothing to look forward to anyway.
Like someone once told me when he was in Ns..just go through the motion.
Just go through the motion..

A Fool Like Me
by Craig Harrell


Why does it hurt so bad to lose something I never had
To have these feelings and nothing to do
just sit around and wait for you
Why is it so hard to move onknowing what we had is gone
Is there a place where happiness is
Even though there's still a fizz
In my soul when you are around
your name is a beautiful sound
Now all I can do is wonder
I lost it all in one little blunder
By not telling you how I really feel
trying to act like its no big deal
Now I know the nature of my errors
I just wish I could get rid of my cares
Yet I can't now my heart won't let me
get rid of a person who fills me with glee
Just by hearing his sweet name
Knowing my feelings are still the same
I must move on to a new life
Leaving behind my feelings and the strife
I am only human and I am weak
But for you there was a beautiful streak
I would do anything to repent the day
When you hung on my words waiting to say
What I really wanted from you
I chose the wrong words for an excuse
Now I am on a new track
I know now I can't have you back
No matter what I do or how I try
I have lost the apple of my eye

Now That It's Gone
by Christine Hogan


I never would have thought that there'd be a you and me.
It wasn't plausible.
It wasn't possible.
But out of the star-crossed sky fell an opportunity.
It was great. It was special. It was magic.
It made my life such a blissful state of euphoria.
My eyes sparkled. My soul danced. My heart rejoiced.

And now that it's gone
I wish there was something in its place.
I want a new dream. I want a new heart. I want a new chance.
But mostly, I'm receiving only loss.

I remember the happy times and think there'll be no more.
I remember little thoughts of you and sigh 'cause you're gone.
I remember my contented heart and sigh because now it's broken.
And now that you're gone,
I can't help but miss you.

For every where you used to smile an empty memory looms of your soulful eyes
your shy smile
and your beautiful face.

I lost him.

The reality has finally sets in.. That I've lost him.
Ok..Ok..I've known that for a few days now, but today, it kind of hits me on the head. Totally.
He will never love me the way he did before.
And i can't even blame him.

I yearn to see him.
See him smile at me.
Touch him.
Smell him like i always do.
Hug him.
Hear him laugh the evil laugh that always irritates me.
Hear him call out my name lovingly.
But he won't. Ever.

I've never prayed half as hard as the past 2 days.
I prayed that he will open his heart for me.
The feeling is worse now than the time that I wanted him but he wanted Malah.
I hated that period of time.
Feeling so inferior to Malah.
Wanting to be the one that he want not her.
I got him. But then again, I've lost him.

I've lost him.

I miss him.
That I know for sure.
Every single thing reminds me of him.
But I've lost him.

Is this how it feels like to be dead?
Emotionally i mean.
I feel nothing. Maybe there's so many things that i feel nothing. I dont make sense to you do i?
Who cares? I dont. Its my journal, not yours. Who asked you peeps to come peeking at my thoughts. Go away. Get lost.

I still feel nothing.
Fuck.
I wish I'm dead. Physically i mean.
Not the emotionally one.
Maybe if i just lie down on my bed and wish hard enough, i will die.
The heart stops beating or something.

But that is a bit hard.

Or maybe if i accidently fall off the railway track or something.
That's the most hip way to die in Singapore.
Jumping off the track.
But that'd be a bit too painful.
Fuck.

Overdosing on pills seems easy, BUT i read sumwhere during JC times that its actually the most painful way of dying.
Plus, what if they manage to pump out the pills and i dun die at all.
then i'll be back at square one.
and i'll be charged.
Fuck.

Thens there's the ... ermm..what other ways?
the gun thing
where in the world am i going to get one?
Fuck.
I think thats the easies so far.
POP and thats it.
In like 1 secnds.
You are gone.
All the pain and hurt are gone.

Good.

But, i have to think abt my famili.
my mum and dad who has worked so hard for me.
I still owe my mum money for my uni fees u know..sumting like 10 K.
My dad will probbably die of heart attack.
that means, i'l be dragging him to his grave.

Ikin n diyana n aini..i think they'll b fine.
They'd love to have my room and my stuffs.

Mira and mahathir will be devastated i think.
They love me. I love them.

My kids in sch. Fuck off.
I dun care how they feel.

Tok Ne and Tok Aji and Nenek.
They'll be crushed.

Other people in Singapore,
they'll read the news and shake their heads and say that i'm stupid.
Fuck off with them as well.

I'll dfinitely go to hell for that.
All the good deeds n this world that i did will be gone to waste.
i think i did my fair share of good deeds.
let me see...

i'm an ok daughter.
i went to U and be a teaher cos my parents want me to.
Hell, if its up to me, i'd be a salesgirl at the makeup counter.

I'm an ok sister.
I get stepped all over by those brats at home
I dun care.

I'm an ok fren.
I've always been there for my frens.
only the past 6 years, i was too absorbed with sumthing else.
but i'm still ok i tink

i'm an ok teacher.
hell..i tink i was a fab teacher.
i dun think anyone else cares abt those little shits as much as i do.
forever trying to sort out their prob when i have my own.
being aunt agony to all those growing up prob..
what the fuck.

i'm an ok person.
i tried to take all the flyers that pple shove to ur face while u r walking on the road...with a smile and a thank u.
i prayed daily for those tsunami victims.
for whoever who died in a motor/car crash that i read in the news.
for whoever who was raped/killed that i read in the news.
i didnt noe them personally, but i tot that wif my prayers, they'd somehow be better..somewhere up there..

i donated 500 bucks to red cross for the tsunami.
i always donate to the beggers on the street.
i alwys buy stuffs from people who sell things frm door to door..not because i need it but cos i pity them.
i always buy otak2 frm the men downstairs cos i was afraid tak laku...
i always buy the ice cream frm the man on the bike cos i pity him.
i donated beras to the needy people in Buru every fasting month.
i donated money to the msoque in Buru everytime i go there.

So, i'm an ok person i think.
But i'll still go straight up to hell.

Hey..

me again.
I'm bored.
Just popped this DIAZEPAM pill that my sis gv me. I think its supposed to calm me down and i'll soon fall asleep or something.
Thats gd.
Hopefully i'll conk out in like 1 hour or so.

I slept through half the day.
I slept and woke up and sept and woke up.
Its a pattern. When I''m depressed.
I just sleep. Even the sleeping position is the same, i realised.

I had so many dreams. And each of the dreams had him in it.
Silli silli dreams. Even one on the set of krayon with Erra in it.
Silly. And one where there was Raden Mas (or was I Raden Mas) and him a pahlawan.
Hahaha..that was funny. Maybe cos i taught my kids about Raden MAs a few lessons back.

I'll wake up frm each dream with a smile plastered on my face, only to remember the mess that I'm in. Then I'll go back to sleep again.

What a wonderful weekend it'll be.

I have never felt this terrible in my life.
This is the worst feeling ever.

I lost someone dear.
The most important person in my life.
But now I've lost him. His trust. Everything.
Things will never be the same anymore.

Of all the stupid things Ive done in my life..
This is the most extreme.
and I have to pay dearly for it.
Very dearly.

My mind's a blank right now.
I have to stop shedding these tears because like i said, it is my fault and not anyone else's.

I have hurt someone and now I'm hurt myself.
I'd rather have physical pain.
I've contemplated slashing my wrist but gosh..that's what I've always told my students not to do.
I dont want to be someone who doesnt practice what she preaches.
I've thought of jumping off the building.
No guts to do it.

I'd rather suffer physical pain.

I wish this pain would end.
How?
Maybe death would take it all away.

I was told by someone that I spoilt his movie. He thanked me for that.
Didnt react when I tried to touch his hand. My attempt at tryng to make up.
Didnt say a single word on the way back.
Not even a goodbye.
Didnt even want to look at me.

Since he hold on to the prinsip..Do unto others what others do unto u..
I started thinking, maybe i always do such a thing to him
So, it must be my fault.

Was it such a big fault? Unforgivable?
Didnt like the movie. But i wasnt sulking or anything. I watched.
Hushed him when he tried to hush this noisy couple beside us.

Maybe i was wrong.
I must be wrong.

It hurts me to see shahreil working so hard.
I wish there's something that I can do to help.
I wish he can come home to me for a massage.
I wish he can come home to me for a nice meal.
I wish he can come home to me for a nice cup of drink.
I wish he doesn't have to work so hard.
I wish he will find a good job soon.
I wish he will be happy.
I wish life will be kind to him.
He deserves all of the above.

Pissed off..

I'm sick of all the nonsense that my students are giving me. Very sick. What kind of students are we producing? Selfish..ignorant..self-centred. They think their world is THE world. They are so oblivious to other things other than them. They think the world is unfair to them..they think that everyone has done some kind of injustice to them. They have no sense of direction and purpose in life. They think they are carrying the world's biggest problems on their shoulders. Oh PLEASE! Their problems are nothing compared to what other kids their age are suffering. Poverty, rape, hunger, deaths... And here they are, complaning, whining and crying over silly things like broken friendships.. stress (over what?! they don't even care about their studies!).. and all sorts of nonsense. Sometimes i feel like slapping their face until they really wake up from their neverending slumber. WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!

What do they want in life? Freedom , one girl told me. And this coming from a girl who comes home at 2 am every day. Hah! Is she even thinking? Nope. Does she even know what freedom is? Apparently NOT!

What about those girls who have barely reached puberty..who smoke because they are stressed. What the f%@! I have nothing ot say about them.

And the gang who walked around the school during lesson time like they are some kind of bigshots. What's in their head????

I'm totally pissed. I'm feeling totally pissed at myself for feelin so helpless and not being able to do anything to help them. I'm supposed to be making a diff in other people's life. But am i?

lucky me

Its me again..
shows how bored i am today. Ermm..i dun think that's the case. Its more of me trying to avoid doin work. So here i am again, in front of the PC, surfing for useless sites.

Neway, i just finished watching Peterpan's vcd. If you've read my previous entry, you'd know that they are my latest obsession. I watched their attempt at breaking Indo's record of having 6 shows in 6 different regions within 24 hours. Wow! It was splendid. I mean, the reception at each and every state they went to was like wow! And i started to wonder, how does it feel like being them? Being stars. Like them, Siti, Beyonce... and all. Having all these people..thousands and thousands of them waiting for you, shouting for you, grabbing and running after you. Well, i guess i'd never know cos i'll still be me, stuck in a classroom where i'm the one doing the shouting, screaming and running...after the kids, that is. Heheheh..

I'm back to my ungrateful self.. That's bad cos i should thank Allah that I am who i am and i have what i have. I have a fun, silly, happy (sumtimes dysfunctional) family. Sure we have problems most of the times but when i compare that to the kinds of families sum of my students have..i think i'm very lucky. I have a good job... minus all the headaches.. its way better than not having a job at all i realise. i have a wonderful boyfriend. Who's good-looking, sexy, talented, patient, loyal and funny. Minus all the heartaches, it's still a beautiful relationship.

So i guess, i have it all. I'm blessed.

In Love..

Today is sunday..and suprisingly, its not too bad. I'm rather calm.. not really thinking about work. Hmm..wonder why...

Well, I've just found a new love. (Shahreil is so going to kill me when he reads this..) It's Ariel PeterPan.. ARgH!! He's so cute.. I wonder what took me sooooooooo long to realise that. I mean, my sisters have been listening to PeterPan''s songs and watching their music videos for like years.. and Me?? Wahhh.. Anyway, it all started when they kept listening to Peterpan's latest cd...The PC is in my room..so i have to listen along..whether i like it or not. SO..after awhile..i realli got used to the songs..especially the one that have Ariel screaming his lungs off...DI BELAKANGKU. So hot.. And, when Shahreil startes singing their songs..it becomes worse. He sang it very well by...heheheh.. SO..the point is..i've found a new love.

At last, i can forget my NewBoyz. I'm sure Shahreil is going to approve my latest choice. He hated NewBoyz. He thought it was kental..no class..Had lots of fights over NewBoyz. He couldnt see why I had to go to all their shows..and chase them all around town. Well, it was fun. It really was. It IS very silly..being an adult (i am?) and all... But chasing NewBoyz made me feel young and for that moment .. I can just forget all the problems and unhappiness that i have. I was actually happy. Chasing NewBoyz was actually happy..and i got to bond with my sisters. And..its not everyday that a star actually asked for your number..even though its just NEWBOYZ. heheheh..but now it's over. I'm done with them. The moment Lan is out..its all over for me and NewBoyz..

It's Now PETERPAN. Hahahaah...

Ermm..
what else?

Tomorrow is my 5yrs and 11 mths anniversary with Shahreil. That's long huh. Didnt think we'd last this long. Cant wait for our 6th Year anniversary.

I miss Buru.

i have to get away.
From everything. From everyone.

I'm sick

I've got a terrible headache today. Its hurting like hell (and what am i doing in front of the pc?!) Wha's the cause of my heachache? errm..izzit the weather? the rain? the stress? the kids? shahreil? money? the hairspray? i have no idea. Maybe its all of them..but it hurts

Anyway, i think i am a workaholic. I think about work all the time. I feel guilty when i go home early (like today), i feel guilty when I'm not stuck at my desk doing werk (like now).. *argh*
I dont want to be a workaholic. I want to be able to enjoy lazing around after work, guilt free. But even now, my head is full of what i should do after this. Like..preparing my lessons..

I'm doomed..

Its back to Sunday

It's positive. Im suffering from Sunday blues. I think that is far worse than the Monday blues. At least, those people who suffer from Monday blues are still able to enjoy their Sundays. Not me. Come Sunday, Í'm a total bitch. I am still a bitch right now, because it IS still Sunday. That is bad, as effectively, my weekend is limited to Saturday. Am i making sense here? Well, who cares. It makes sense to me.'

Anyway, how was my weekend? Saturday was good. I had fun with my beloved girlfriend, Faheema. Love her to bits. Whenever i'm with her, i'm happy. She cracks me up and the best part is of course when we get to gossip. Hahahah... Plus, I can be myself when I'm with her. Not like with some of my other friends. It's hard to be myself when I'm around them. I always feel like I have to watch how i behave..what i say and all that. Always worry whether my clothes too tight, my sleeves too short, my language too vulgar, my make-up too thick.. that kind of thing. Gets very stressed up and all jittery when i'm with them. With Faheema, anything goes... I can let my hair down and just talk crap all day long.

Today's not so good. Mainly because it's sunday. I have to start my most hated ritual.. setting the stupid alarm to 5.15 am. Never mind.. I have another 1 hour or so before i do that.

I'm confused. How can you love someone so much that it hurts. Love is supposed to be a feel-good thing. But how come it hurts. How is it, we are able to love someone so much that just the thought of meeting him will give us the strength to go through the otherwise awful day, YET at the same time, we hate the sight of the person so much that we have this strong desire to punch him in the face. Heheh.. i realli feel like punching him sometimes. I always do the Ally McBeal thing in my head...

But, i also learn (after 6 yrs) that love and relationship takes a lot of hard work. I'm pretty sure what i have with him is true love. (ewww..) But it is true. I mean, this HAS got to be IT. We hurt each other mentally and emotionally all the time, but then it doesnt matter cause at the end of the day, we know that we really do love each other. And we know that we will never ever be happier with another person. And that we really would like to grow old together. And hopefully, we'll still be very much in love then. And that we still want to hold each other's hands and steal kisses every now and then.

I love you, my dear.

Its finally friday! yippeee!!

i'm in a good mood today.. simply because it is FINALLY freaking FRIDAY!!! YEAH!!!!!!!! *phew*

I've been slogging through all week long! Finally I can look forward to sleeping late at night today and not having to think about waking up early tomorrow. You know what i hate doing most at night? Its setting the alarm to 5.15am. It sucks totally. And today! Like all fridays! I dont have to do that dreadful thing. Hehehhe..I'm a happy person today.

Anyways, i have 2 very difficult tasks.

a) preparing the House Identity for sports day. It is a big thing cause, we were last year's champs and so the pressure is on us to win..both the events and the cheerleading. I've asked a few kids to think of what to do/make...and praying that they can be trusted to do what i asked them to do well..and most importantly, on time. Sports Day is next Sat and i really do not wish to be a nervous wreck on Friday, screaming at them to finish doing the shakers, pompoms and whatnots. Well, hope that all goes well yeah..

b) the P called me to her office a few days back. She wanted to talk regarding the 3NT girls. She has sort of challenged me to change the girls. How am i supposed to do that?!!!! I'm having sleepless nights thinking of what to do.. Well, for start, i'm meeting one of them after school (in like 20 more minutes!) and i have no idea what to do or say yet. I'm really heartbroken to see these girls turning out to be like this. They were such angels when they first entered the school. What happened?! Something is wrong... with the system..with the society... and i am still clueless as to what is the core problem here..

BUT, last week, it suddenly dawned upon me that the single-session system in school has a single for extremely huge flaw! Its like a revelation. I felt as thought i was going through enlightenment or sumthing..hehehhe... The flaw here is that.... a single-session school allows the decent, naive, impressionable sec 1 kids to emulate the less then praiseworthy behaviour of the sec3s and 4s. Students from all levels mix very freely...and its scary how fast the sec 1s go through the transformation--from good to bad. I strongly believe that we should just cut these unnecessary and sometimes destructive relationships between the lower sec and the upper sec kids! HELLOOOO!!! MOE personnels!! Are you reading this?!

before i end... i want to add that i realise that teaching IS a truly noble profession and i am proud that i am a teacher.. (thou it sucks most of the time)